Wednesday, December 31, 2008

What I learned in 2008!


Woohoo! 2008 is almost over! I've learned a great many things from this year. Let me share with you:

1) Never go on a cruise with your husband.
While I have never been on a cruise, they do seem so appealing to me. The dancing, the buffets, the cute little cabins, the booze, becoming bffs with everyone on the ship. However, I should probably never go with my future husband, because he might throw me overboard and then blame it on "my depression." It's just the perfect scene for a crime, and look, let's face it: I talk a lot. So just say I'm on a romantic cruise for my honeymoon, and I keep making my new hubby act out Jeff Van Vonderen's speech on Intervention ("I've got a bunch of people in this room who love you like crazy, and they don't want to lose you.") Hr might be all, Liz, no more! And then push me overboard. That would really suck, especially since I would have gotten all new presents for my wedding.

2) I should probably start Internet dating.

Ugh, I hate to admit it, but in 2009 I will turn 30 and I do not want to be a New York City cliche with my Lean Cuisines in the fridge. I also have my sister's wedding in November and I can't be having everyone ask where the future Mr. Simons is. So I have to be proactive. Plus I will get lots of free food at all those restaurants to which my Internet dates will take me.

3) Free food rules!

Just saying.

And a quick recap of yesterday and today's free food. Yesterday my dear friend took me out to the Grog in Newburyport for lunch. I ate a side salad, butternut squash raviolis, garlic bread, and an Ipswich ale.

Today I ate a can of soup at my parents' house.

Love you all! Here's to a happy and healthy 2009!

Your pal,

Liz

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Redbones rules!


It's been 3 days since Christmas and I am still at my parents' house, enjoying their free hospitality. Today we went to Cambridge to visit my dear friends Ben and Gloria and their 2 babies. Since tonight was my brother Androo's last night before he heads back to Nashville, I totally manipulated the situation to get a free meal at a nearby restaurant. "Dad," I whined. "We haven't been all together since last Christmas, and tomorrow Andrew is leaving, so let's go to dinner at Redbones!"

Redbones is a super kick ass barbecue restaurant in Davis Square in Somerville. It is basically the reason I went to Duke . . . I mean, if bbq is this good here, imagine how good it will be Down South! Redbones was also the site of my surprise sixteenth birthday party, which was the day Jerry Garcia died. I was a pseudo wannabe hippie back then who did not smoke weed, so it was a bit of a traumatic day for me.

At any rate, my father heartily agreed to go to Redbones. Woohoo! When we got there we had to wait 20 minutes so we all grabbed beers except for Mom Simons. I saw someone i knew and so we chatted for a few minutes and before I knew it our table was ready!

I took charge of appetizer ordering: hush puppies and buffalo scallops and corn bread. My dad ordered the rest of the food which included pulled pork, Memphis ribs, St. Louis ribs, brisket, slaw, and beans. We finished the food within 10 minutes of it being brought to our table.

Satiated, we headed home. Mom Simons whipped out the Toblerone for dessert. All in all a great day!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Holiday Update

Yo kids.

I feel really bad that my coverage of the quest for free food is so lax during the holidays, especially since the actual free food is so abundant. But between hanging out with the fam and eating, I have very limited free time to actually write. It is a conundrum my friends, a huge conundrum.

That said, we have a few thing to talk about here. One, there is a boy situation. Two, what do you do when the free food that you so desperately desire is locked in a car, not your own?

Let's talk about #1 first. Over a month ago, before Thanksgiving, I picked up a boy. He was cute, my age, single, and a traveling nurse. He seemed really into me, and I gave him my number.

I didn't hear from him at Thanksgiving, or the week after, or the week after THAT. I was okay with that because I had begun making presumptions. You see, this boy had an accent that kind of sort of screamed Long Island to me, so I figured he lived at home with his parents. So when he didn't call me, I thought, whatevs, he just doesn't want to hook up in his bedroom where all his high school sports trophies are. I can respect that.

Weeks go by, I really do forget about him, and I'm at my parents' house in the greatest town on Earth, aka NORTH ANDOVER, where men are men and cell phone reception is bad. I noticed I had a missed call this afternoon and I listened to the voicemail message. It was the dude, the traveling nurse, who will now be known as Greg (as in Greg Focker from Meet the Parents, another male nurse!). Greg is all, yo Liz, remember me, I met you a while ago, how 'bout a drink.

Now, Greg was kind of cute and I think he is Catholic because he had an Italian last name so Mama Simons would be okay with him. BUT, it's been over a MONTH since I gave him my number. So, should I give him a chance? Or do I blow that sucker off?

While we're pondering this situation, let's talk food. Today my sister Katie and I threw a reunion of sorts for the few people we actually liked from high school. Wow, was it fun. Our pal Carrie made some delish stuffed mushrooms and my sis Katie bought a delectable spread of veggies and barbecue potato chips. There was also red wine involved, yippee! After all the guests left, however, your girl Liz was still ravenous. If we were in New York, I'd go to Gray's Papaya and order 3 dogs with sauerkraut. But we're not in NY my friends, we're in the Merrimack Valley! My dad John told me my Auntie Susan and Uncle Kevin, who are staying at our house till tomorrow, had some leftovers from the Loop's (Methuen's finest shopping center) finest restaurant, Not Your Average Joe's, in their rental car. Sweet! I thought. I am on a mission.

Well, I was sorely disappointed in my quest because Susan and Kevin's car was locked. Add this to fact that they are in bed and have to wake up early to go to Florida and then you have a situation where these desire leftovers will be thrown away. Booooo!

Deflated, I returned to the house and ate a few handfuls of honey roasted peanuts and dreamt about what I should passive aggressively text Greg tomorrow. Any ideas?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas!!!

It's come people, Jesus is here!

At any rate, this is a very abbreviated post. I ate delicious free rack of lamb today, as well as some delish caserroles at Chez Nigrelli.

Will write more later!!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

The 99, aka Heaven on Earth


Today I took the Fung Wah bus from New York to Boston. The Fung Wah has a long-standing tradition of being fast and out of control, but so much fun! In my 5 years of taking the Chinatown to Chinatown Express, I have sat next to a Hungarian, a yoga instructor who critiqued my posture, and a conspiracy theorist who declared that the Citigroup building would be next to go (I was working there at the time). I love these experiences because dealing with the crazies gives me a good story to tell, and it makes me hungry!

Which is great when I'm going back to Boston because usually it means I'm visiting my parents and they are all about buying me food!

Today was no different. My dad and brother picked me up at South Station. It took us almost 2 hours to get back to the greatest town in the Merrimack Valley, North Andover! Home of the Scarlet Knights and Sam Waterston! North Andover is also the home of many fine dining establishments, including the distinguished Harrison's Roast Beef, cougar hangout Burton's, and the always venerable The Loft.

My preferred place, however, is a Simons family favorite. It is not only a place where everybody knows your name, it is also the place where you will see 5 generations of North Andover drinking together. It is also the place where you can get free popcorn and bright orange spreadable cheese and crackers. It is the place where you can order the most delicious appetizer in all the land: Gold Fever Wings.

Yes, I'm talking about the 99.

The 99 is a New England tradition, and by New England I mean New Hampshire and Massachusetts. It's a super awesome chain, yet every particular location is very local. For example, I would never set foot in the Andover 99. That's like an Italian kid from East Boston going into Southie during the busing years. We're talking Sharks/Jets action here.

So Barbara (Mom), John (Dad), Droo (Droo) and I piled into the station wagon to head to the Nines. When we got there, my brother pointed out 2 of my friends from high school, Kristen and Eric. Woohoo! I talked to them for a few minutes at the bar, then I joined La Familia at a booth just in time for the aforementioned popcorn and cheese and crackers. Five minutes later, the Gold Fever Wings arrived at the table. Surprisingly, they lasted more than 5 minutes. The waitress came back to take our order, I got a Sam Adams Winter Ale and turkey tips with butternut squash and mashed potatoes. This is about as high brow as you can get at the Nines.

We finished our meal and said goodbye to my friends at the bar. Just to think I have 2 more weeks of free food with my parents gets me all warm and happy inside!!!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Astoria forever!!!


Wassup kids?!?! I was supposed to take the bus back to Boston today but then the weather was supposed to be all crappy, so I decided to hang out in NYC one more day! Woohoo!

I had an awesome day. I woke up early and ate black bean soup for breakfast (not free, and out of a can--how depressing). I played free pacman on my computer for a little while, and then I went to church at 1 pm. I'm kind of in love with my parish. It's totally not flashy, and there aren't any young good-looking men there, but the pastor has this kick ass New York accent, and there are a ton of families, and it just makes me really happy. It's very small town, and it's so nice to see this in the midst of New York City. At the end of Mass, the priest announced there would be carolling and a visit from Santa at 6:30 tonight. So I called up my friends Stephanie and Bethany and we met back up at the church in the evening. There were lots of kids, and my ovaries over-reacted. Yikes! After the singing, there was an old school church function in the school cafeteria complete with cookies and hot chocolate and Santa. Now, my friends and I wanted to go to a bar, but I needed free food, so I snuck in and grabbed 2 cookies, including the leaf one that I have pasted here! I totally wasn't stealing as I go to this church every Sunday (for the past 3 weeks at least!).

Tonight really put me in the Christmas spirit and it was a reminder that my neighborhood in Astoria is not just a place where I sleep but I am part of the community! I love you Astoria!!!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Christmas is in the Air!


Today my friend Jillian and I decided to be all touristy and look at the department store windows and the big ass tree in Rockefeller Center. Since we were starting at Bloomingdale's, we agreed to met at 3:00 at PJ Clarke's, a super cool old school bar, on 3rd Ave.

I got there 15 minutes late, sorry Jillian! The bar was crowded with people of all ages, which is so much fun because I love talking to drinkers my parents' age, because I can charm them, and then they can introduce me to their sons!

I ordered a Guinness and then pulled out a bag of cookies I had baked to share with Jillian. The couple next to us asked for one if my adorbs Santa cookies. I happily obliged, and then we started talking to them. They were from Philly and the woman loved Tasty Kakes, just like I do! They got up to go to their table so they could eat. Bartender George came up to Jillian and me and told me our next round had been bought by the couple! Woohoo!

So I ordered another Guinness and really enjoyed the department store windows!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Office Party!

Today was my last day of work of the year. I'll be going back to North Andover, MA, home of the Scaaaaaarlet Knights, on Sunday. Mom and Pops Simons know how much I love free food, so hopefully they'll stock up! Mom, if you're reading, please bake your pumpkin chocolate chip bread with glaze and buy steak tips from Butcher Boy!

Till I get to the Mecca of free food, I have to say I'm pretty happy with the loot I scored today. We had out departmental luncheon. While there was no champagne, there were delicious salami sandwiches, adorb Rice Krsipie treats, potato and pasta salads, and fruit, all of which I ate! Woohoo! I also brought in my super cute Santa cookies, though since I paid for the ingredients they don't count.

All right, I'm off to a party now!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Happy Birthday Dad, aka the VHM!



Today is my super cool Dad's birthday. He is 57 years young! And a Very Handsome Man! Too bad I'm not spending the day with him--I bet my mom made him a delicious cake that would be free for me to eat!

Can we talk though? I must admit I am a little disappointed. Despite loving Ken Seeley like crazy, and updating AND writing on his wall these same sentiments, Seeley has not written me back. WTF???

Well, I am moving on. I was very pleased that an episode of Intervention made #6Jezebel's list of 20 greatest reality tv moments of 2008. This was the one featuring Marie, a woman with alcoholism which is "off the chain bad" (her words not mine). She's Italian-American, doesn't like to wear pants, and loves her ex-husband Bora. "He was my husband!" She did get sober (yeah!). Seeley was the interventionist so at least he did some good, even though he does not appreciate my support.

Anyway, my addiction continues. I ate a cute little cupcake and inadvertently stole a piece of pizza from a meeting. It was completely accidental-there w \as a pizza box left out in the kitchen and I grabbed one of three slices left. Then a woman in another department comes out of a conference room and says that the pizza is not available yet. I run to the bathroom so I am not caught and eat the pie in the stall. So ghetto.


Tonight I decorated my adorable Santa cookies that I will bring to my co-workers tomorrow. Do you see how cute they are? They're hiding out in my fridge for now!

All right got to go to bed.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Love You Like Crazy, Ken Seeley!


A lot of people are so elitist when it comes to reality tv. They say it is crap and then they go turn on their NPR. "All Things Considered," they say, "Now that's a show! But I Love New York? I'd rather love Count Dracula!"

Now, I do love me some Prairie Home Companion, but I also love me some Intervention, my favorite show on the Real Life. Drama network, aka A & E! And this week it didn't disappoint!

Intervention is probably the most serious reality show I watch. It follows a different addict every week, and then their family stages an intervention. Usually the person goes to rehab and frequently they stay sober. It's totally emotional and awesome and I clap and cry and laugh whenever I watch. So this week's episode featured Janet: mother of four, alcoholic, sex addict. She's probably about 50 but looks 70. Anyway, she had two sons from her first marriage. The younger one looked kind of like Eric Stoltz from Mask (yes, I am going to hell) and the older one was all sorts of hot. He's probably only 23 or 24 but I'd go all cougar on him. Janet was seriously ill, and she had a wonderful supportive family that have gone through hell and high water to try and save her.

Luckily, Janet's intervention was led by the kick-assiest leader Ken Seeley. And he was flat out awesome. I'm friends with him on Facebook, hehe, and I wrote on his wall to congratulate him on a job well done. And I am happy to say Janet has not drank since August! Woohoo! Good job Ken and company!

Now, I've been watching Intervention for almost 2 years and I love all the interventionists. Ken is fabulous, Candy Finnigan always makes me cry, and Jeff "I've got a bunch of people who love you like crazy" Van Vonderen is a tough bad-ass who suffers no fools. If my family ever has to put ME on the show I want Jeff to be the one to tell me "They're going to say something, then you're going to say something, and then we'll be done." He would just cold hard tell me like it is. And then I thought, I have an addiction to free food, and it's getting bad, so maybe there is a chance that my family will contact Intervention. A girl can wish.

I should not trivialize addiction, I know, but what else could explain the three packs of Nerds I ate today? Or the Reese's peanut butter cup? I need to start eating apples and tofu and pine nuts! I will start on this after the holidays.

Au revoir!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A quickie!


Even in this recession, Christmas is still awesome. People are having parties with drinks where you can drown your sorrows, and at the office some clients still send corporate gifts! Woohoo!

Corporate gifts are great because they are usually food so that people can share. So today we received a humongo basket of baked goods from one of our clients, made by a Mrs. Beasley. I don't think Mrs. Beasley is a person but rather a catering company, but she sure makes delicious cookies! My favorite were the chocolate truffle ones, which look like Munchkins. At first bite, however, they taste like a gift from heaven. I ate 4.

Got to go to bed now my people!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Where in the world are the mini-marshmallows???


Kids, can we talk??? I took today off from work since I had some extra vacation days and I needed to bake! I don't give prezzies to anyone for Christmas, I give them cookies! It's all in the spirit that people should enjoy free food everyday, just like I do!

I've attached a picture of one of the kinds of cookies that my friends and colleagues will be receiving from me. They came out friggin' adorbs, didn't they? And I am so so proud of myself because I only ate 2 of them and I made 96. Woohoo! I also went running this morning for an HOUR. Go Liz!

In addition to these Hershey Kiss Peanut Butter Blossoms (or whatever the hell they call them on the back of the Hershey Kiss package--this is no Liz Simons' original recipe!) I make just about the cutest sugar cookies ever--they are decorated like Jolly Old St. Nicholas, aka Santa! First I cover them with white frosting, then I use coconut for the beard, red sprinkles for the hat, 2 red hots for the eyes, a chocolate chip for the nose or the mouth, I never know what it is suppose to represent, and then one single white mini-marshmallow for the little poof at the end of Santa's hat.

Easy enough ingredients, right?

WRONG!

Oh my God I could not find BIG marshmallows anywhere, let alone white mini-marshmallows! I almost resorted to using Fluff! Finally I found multi-colored "fruit flavor" mini marshmallows at a 99 cent store, though they cost me a buck 29. Whatevs, I'll live. And now my Santa cookies will be really liberal and anti-Proposition 8 with their rainbow assortment of hat poofs, so I guess I'm cool with that.

As for my free food quota for the day . . . not good. I found an Andes mint in my backpack that I had taken from Johnny K's Batman head on Friday, so at least I succeeded in my mission.

I'm also excited because my favorite pawn shop is having some kind of Christmas raffle this weekend. I will SO be there, and I'm dressing up!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saint Liz


Yo all! See what picture? That's the sweater on which I spilled red wine the other night withing five minures of arriving tardy to my friend Holly'd party. It's as if I was walking on a tightrope and spilled it! BUT, with a little Dawn and hydrogen peroxide, I was able to remove the red wine! Woohoo!

The day is still young but I'll be honest--not looking good in the free food quest. Weekends are always tough, but I will be going to a bar tonight to do comedy, Botanica at 7pm, 147 E. Houston Street, just so you know . . . perhaps someone will buy me a drink. A girl can hope.

So I am TOTALLY stretching but I suppose this counts. Today I decided to go to church so that I could pray that God would help me desire healthy free food so I can lose a few lbs in time for my sister's wedding in November. At church, I was given Holy Communion and wine, which I put in my mouth and did not have to pay for. I mean, I did give a whopping $2 to the collection, but I doubt that goes towards the wafers and wine.

So yes, I suppose I am cheating a little, but what are you going to do? I'm sure God will forgive me!

Love,
Liz!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Red Wine is a beautiful addition to clothes!

Sorry I'm late kids. I meant to write my entry yesterday before I Left work, but I forgot, and then I got home at 5 in the morning, so there you go!

What did I do in those hours between leaving work and getting home. Well, I partied and ate free food and drank free booze, of course!

My friend Holly was having a holiday party in Harlem. She can say holiday party because I think she's Jewish, so it wasn't just her being all pc. I get there and don't know anyone, but that's okay because there is 7-layer bean dip on the table, and that brings everyone together. I pour myself a glass of red wine and proceed to spill it immediately. Yeah! Luckily I know this awesome red wine stain removal tip that actually works: you put Nutella on the stain and rub it in and it disappears! Haha just kidding! What you REALLY do is take Dawn soap, mix it with hydrogen peroxide, and dab it on with a Q tip. If the stain doesn't disappear immediately, put it in the wash and it will be fine.

So I mix and mingle, eat chocolate, drink more, and then my dear friends Megan and Josh stop by. We proceed to party up a storm and that at some point we take a can back to Queens and go to a bar in Somerville. We sang karaoke, and drank beer and whiskey. For the life of me I cannot remember what song I sang. Megan? Josh? Can you help me out???

Before I knew it was 4 and closing time. "You don't have to go jome but you can't stay here." Well, I did the smart thing and did go home. I stayed up till 5 or so playing Pacman and then went to bed, woohoo!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Eat free food and "Yule" have a good time!


See that really beautiful cookie to the left? So beautiful, so symmetrical, so Christmassy, because honestly, when do you ever see them made besides the time that St. Nick stops by? At any rate, I am at this VERY MOMENT baking these cookies, though mine will not be symmetrical. Also, I forgot to buy creamy peanut butter, so I had to use a reduced fat "peanut spread" I had at home, plus a half cup of chunky peanut butter. A real innovator, that's me!

My point is, if you are friends with me and see me tomorrow, you will get to eat these cookies for free. I, on the other hand, will have to rely on the kindness of strangers to get my free food.

Today I simply had to rely on the kindness of co-workers. Since the office is trying to conserve, a lot of departments are having individual potluck lunches. Which is WONDERFUL for ME! See, at lunch time today I was hungry, and I had packed a very depressing, "I'm a single woman in the city" Smart Ones. But on my way to the bathroom I noticed a major party going on in Conference Room 8B. Every 15 minutes or so I made my way over there to see if they had put out the leftover food. Finally at 2 pm they did. I ate Entenmann's cake, fruit salad, a brownie, and a homecake cupcake. Yippee!

Pants are getting tighter though. Not good. I'll just have to drink a lot more Coke Zero.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

On being tardy for the book club party

Today I had the foresight to take the day off, since my work holiday party was last night. Granted, I was very well-behaved since there was only 3 hours open bar as opposed to the six the year before, but I wanted to sleep in and get caught up on my shows, go to the gym, bake cookies, and start my Christmas cards. Did any of this get done today? Hell, no. I woke up at 11am and heated up a bowl of soup (not free) and I only watched Bad Girls Club and didn't even get around to the Real Housewives of Orange Country. Slacker!

Why were my ambitions so thwarted? Well, I had to finish my the book "The Gathering" by Anne Enright in time for my totally bitchin' book club tonight. I had to read 200 pages before arriving in Brooklyn at 7pm.

Well, I pulled up to my friend's house a little late, 7:30. I finished the book though! I was very excited because there were some delish crackers, cheese, and hummus for snacks, and then Laura the hostess brought out a tasty turkey sausage lasagna with a side of bread. And for dessert there were brownies made by Beverly and saltines with brown sugar, butter, and chocolate made by moi.

I want to go to bed now so I can wake up on time to go running. Love you all!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Christmas rocks!


I know it is oh so not pc, but whatevs! That's how I roll!

So merry Xmas all, even if it's early, and sorry this is written post-midnight, but can we talk???

So tonight I had my "holiday" work party, which means Christmas to me! I managed to eat all the appetizers that were put out in this budget-conscious time: cucumber sandwiches, spinach Greek type things, and my beloved mozzarella sticks. I also drank 4 or 5 Stellas and one champagne-y drink. Woohoo!

Love you all, now I need to watch Bad Girls Club on the DVR. Or, I could go to bed!

And yes, I did wake up on time to run three miles this morning!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Dreaming to Be Thin: The Liz Simons Story

Oh my how much does the title of my post sound like a Lifetime, television for a women, Monday night feature film? A lot? Yeah, that's what I say too.

Here's the thing, especially if you are a super cute single boy who is reading this and has never met me or seen me recently. I'm not fat, nor even chubby. I just have a lot of junk in the trunk. As in, enough to go on a cross country trip without stopping. I've grown to appreciate my posterior, thanks in part to a former co-worker who happened to be black and pointed out that my ass was awesome. Growing up among white people--and being one myself--I did not realize this.

So here's my point: last night I went to bed and I had a really great dream about a really hot guy being madly in love with me. At one point he picked me up and swung me around. And in the dream he kind of grunted when he picked me up. Which freaked me out because aren't dreams like this supposed to be all happy and hot? But no, in my dream my man can't pick me up without grunting.

So I woke up all inspired to get back in shape. I didn't wake up early enought to run, so I boiled two eggs for a healthy breakfast (not free).

At work I decided Liz, you are going to be good and track all your food as a good Weight Watcher should! You should also take semi-healthy pieces of candy from Johnny K's Batman head.

So I ate a dark chocolate Peanut Chew (and a pack of M and M's and Nerds. Baby steps, people, baby steps).

I went to the gym after work, and tomorrow I plan on waking up on time to go for a quick jog. We're giving our two interns a going away pizza party during lunch, and then tomorrow night we're having our office holiday party, so tomorrow will be a test. Also an excellent source of free food, let's be honest.

Hopefully my dream boy will bulk up, because I am not exactly ready to give up free food.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Partying like it's 2001!


While I like to consider myself an aficionado in many things, I will admit I am not as much as a film buff as I should be. TV, on the other hand? Got it covered. We can deconstruct how all the Housewives of OC, NY, and Hotlanta are alike and different at the same time, especially Vicki and Lisa. Books? Let's discuss how On the Road is cool to read at 18, but when you reread it at 25 you realize the Beats were all kind of depressing and it wasn't much fun to be a woman in their world.

So the title of today's post is not a reference to Kubrick's Space Odyssey--last night I wasn't all anti-gravity partying with a computer named Hal. Rather, I partied like it was my senior year in college (I graduated from Duke in 2001. Go Devils!). I stayed up till 5am, even though I had stuff to do today! Hehe.

It started last night at 8:30pm when I hopped on the subway to go to a super cool last minute holiday party in Sunnyside at my dear friends' Megan and Josh's apartment. I brought my friend Mike, homemade chocolate-peanut bars, and Charles Shaw chardonnay. High roller, that's me!

So I get there and to my delight there are an assortment of goodies--FREE goodies--displayed on the table for my free eating pleasure. I ate carrots, hummus, 7-layer dip, chips, pasta, and of course I drank free wine and beer.

More people showed up and we just started having all kinds of collegiate-like fun. There was no flip cup nor Beirut going on--we are mature adults here--but there WAS a round of Kings. Before I knew it it was 3 AM and there were about 7 of us left, including the host and hostess.

So then we decided to turn on Christmas music and dance. Neighbors love it when you do this. We snapped photos and finished whatever food was left.

At 4:45 AM, there were 5 of us left, and Megan and Josh decided I should stay the night. Sleepover! Cool! We then did a very college thing: we popped in a movie. We started watching "Love Actually" which I adore but it also makes me feel all sort of lonely, because I can't remember the last time anybody waited for me at the airport. I just want to be loved goddamnit! And fed!

I wanted to go to bed, but since I was going to be sleeping on the couch, and we were watching the movie on the couch, and it was not my apartment, I couldn't exactly kick people out. Finally the final 2 guests left and Megan, Josh, and I all decide to go to bed. At 5 AM! Just like seniors in college!

The next morning I woke up at about 11am. Megan and Josh were still sleeping, so I finished my book. I also started thinking about my free food quota for the day. Weekends are always tough, so I went into their kitchen and ate some peanuts from their cabinet, just in case I didn't have the chance to eat anymore free food today.

Megan and Josh woke up, and we went out for brunch at about 1pm at the venerable Sunnyside institution "New York Style Eats." I ate a barbecue chicken sandwich with fries (not free). Josh didn't want to eat there, so he left to get a bagel. He came back to the diner with a dozen bagels: the place had a $10 minimum for credit cards and Josh had no cash. I got all excited and asked Josh for a bagel so it could count towards my free food. I also offered to immortalize Josh in my blog. He happily obliged and gave me a whole wheat everything bagel.

Now I'm about to go to bed, and to be honest I haven't eaten the bagel yet. I'll probably eat it tomorrow for breakfast. Good thing I had those peanuts!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Liz in Wonderland!


Because I am cool, I am a member of a children lit's book club. We started out reading the Harry Potter series, then the Narnia books, then Twlight, and now we're reading the Looking Glass War series, written by Frank Beddor. It is a wannabe revisionist modern day retelling of Alice in Wonderland, and it blows. However, my book club decided to meet at Alice's Tea Cup on the Upper West Side to discuss it.

Alice's Tea Cup, once featured on my beloved Real Housewives of New York, offered a 2hour wait--and probably no mimosas--so Jess, Celina, Caitlin, Stephanie and I ended up at City Grill nearby. I ate a Hawaiian salad, soup, coffee, and a bellini (not free).

After brunch, we stopped by a flea market at a senior citizen's center. I bought a pair of boots and a belt for a dollar each, then got the book Biko. Woohoo!Afterwards, we wandered offer to Jacques Torres, where Stephanie bought me a huge chocolate chip cookie, which was my free food for the day. Now I'm off to a party in Sunnyside, and I'm sure I'll have much to tell tomorrow!

Also, I forgot to mention the delicious free meal I ate yesterday in addition to the scotch tasting. Forde bought dinner for me at Cuba Cafe. I ate guac, a crappy margarita, a Corona, and chicken stuffed with chorizo. Yum yum!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Scotch: Not just a useful tape


Fridays are so much fun because they mean the end of the work week! Yippee!

Today started off well in the quest for free food: someone left out a homemade cherry pie in the 8th floor kitchen. To be honest, I am not a huge fan of cherry pie, but when it's free, why not? It's just like a danish anyway, so I had no guilt eating a small slice for breakfast.

I ate a few pieces of candy from Johnny K's Batman head after lunch, and then I got a text from a friend inviting me to a scotch tasting tonight. So I corralled my sister Katie and her fiance Forde and off we went to imbibe on the 75th anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition!

At thw onderful event, we sampled several different kinds of Macallan single malt, and on our way out we received a gift bag which included a Godiva chocolate bar. An early Christmas present, I suppose?

Overall a great day in the pursuit of free food!!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Eggplant rules!

Sorry this is late kids. Tonight I went over my friends Nick and Sara's for eggplant parmesan and wine. Both were delish!!!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

New shows and a new view!

Now that the Pick-Up Artist has been chosen (Simeon, ugh, don't get me started. Please put yourself in a corner, what movie is THAT from?) and the sun has set on the Real Housewives of Atlanta (Team NENE!), I've been forced to re-evaluate my life. I cleared out my DVR of all the shows that I am probably never going to watch. These include: about 36 hours worth of Olympics coverage from August, 6 episodes of Life On Mars, Real Chance of Love, several back episodes of Intervention (though I kept Sylvia--where are my babieeeeeees???), and the episode of Degrassi where JT gets stabbed (too emotional). I feel very cleansed.

I have not given up tv altogether. Luckily, two great shows are returning so I am all set! We've got Bad Girls Club on Oxygen and Real Housewives of Orange County on Bravo! Phew! Quick digression--do people think Gretchen is only 30? I think she's pretty and all, but she looks older. Maybe it's because she's dating someone 23 years older? Who knows.

So I've got all my shows in order, so I am trying to keep myself in order. I mean, I've got my sister's wedding to go to in a year! I got to get in shape! So today I ate only ONE mini-Hershey bar, and it was Special Dark.

I also ate a couple homemade Reese's peanut butter cup type things, but I made them so it doesn't count.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Advent is Advantageous to a good Catholic like Liz!

When you're a really awesome cool girl like myself, God rewards you. As the Real Housewives of Atlanta would say, He has blessed me! But God does not shine down bling on Sister Simons, no, He bestows free food. Thanks God!

So today was what we define as "successful." See, one of the vendors that I work with, heck, the ONLY vendor that I work with, e-mailed me last week asking if he could take me out to lunch today. Is the Pope Catholic, like Liz? Yes, and yes!

So at 1 pm today we met at Ono which is a really fancy restaurant in the Hotel Gansevoort, which is a super trendy place in the Meatpacking District where Perez Hilton hangs out when he is in town. Probably Scarlett Johansson too. Needless to say it is not a place where I ever go.

So I meet Mike at lunch, and I start with a $14 lemongrass mojito. We then order two "small plates" that were about $17 each, a lil beef dumpling thingy and spicy tuna tartare. Both were about the size of my big toe, but they were delicious nonetheless!

After our apps, we ordered three sushi rolls: barbecue eel, some salmon thing, and something else with avocado (NOT vegetarian though!). We capped off the meal with a chocolate cake and something with apples, and cappuccinos.

All I know is this is a reminder why I absolutely NEED to start Internet dating. Can you imagine all the free food at great restaurants???

So I got back to work full and bloated, so you can imagine my slight disappointment when I saw leftover pizza. There was no room in my stomach, otherwise I would have eaten it.

After work, I stopped by some Astoria shopping extravaganza at a diner because there were supposed to be a free hors d'oeuvres. Well, I must have missed them because I sure didn't eat any! Can't complain too much--I DID get a free tote, in which I found a delightful candy bracelet with a Santa Claus charm!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Brownies for breakfast make for a good Monday!

So today it was hard getting up in the morning, let alone going to work! After several days of eating, drinking, and sleeping, I must admit heading back to the office was not too thrilling of a prospect.

But then my kind boss surprised me with two-bite brownies with frosting. She had them leftover from Thanksgiving. I ate 3. So they were 6 bites, hehe.

All right, heading to bed now!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Lazy Liz is back!



I know what you're thinking. Liz is a slacker. Liz is all, I am going to write EVERY DAY about free food. And wait . . . there has not been a post since Thursday? Now that Thanksgiving has passed, it Liz all about being selfish?

Um, no. I've just been being a really social butterfly. But I am back and ready to go, because I have been doing nothing BUT eating these past few days.

Let's start with Thanksgiving. I went to New Jersey with my sister Katie. We were going to her fiance Forde's aunt's house. Got it?

Forde's family is awesome. The minute I got there, they offered me scrambled eggs with cheese and sausage. This was followed by the aforementioned sausage bread, which is made by Forde's mom Dorrie. It's like a calzone but better. There were also spinach balls, deviled eggs, some sausage/cheese/bread concoction, bagels, baked brie, and more. And this was for BREAKFAST. And I ate all of it! Uh oh, I think it's going to be a bad Weight Watchers week, hehe.

At about 1pm, I switched from coffee to wine, woohoo! I kept stuffing myself and before I knew it it was time for dinner!

You can imagine the spread: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, GRAVY. Everything must be doused in gravy if you ask me.

Since I am a trooper and very persevering, I kept eating and then, low and behold, it was time for dessert!

I ate some Saltine/brown sugar/chocolate concoction, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate mousse pie, and a homemade Reese's peanut butter cup-type pie. Yum! No one would think I was anorexic! I did say no to the rice pudding though!


Overall a great day! Many thanks to the Prigot, Donahue, Trata, and Stuart families. Big kisses! I cannot wait for Katie and Forde's wedding next November because the food will be good and we will be partying as soon as the vows are done.

So that was Thursday. Friday was awesome too. Three of my best buds in the world were in town: Holger, Sitar, and Ana. We went to Duke together and now live all over. We're a very metropolitan, sophisticated crew. Hehe. So we met on the Lower East Side at this place called Kuta House. Not free but delish. But, Sitar's sister Payal brought a chocolate mousse cake for Sitar's birthday so I ate that for free. Yum yum! And then we went to some fancy schmancy wine bar and Holgs bought us a bottle of red wine. We also played this really fun game called "Guess who is on an Internet date." It is HARD. There was this one couple that TOTALLY looked like an Internet date. He was tall, kind of gawky, but adorbs. She was a bit chunky. Let's call them Tim and Kim, shall we? Please bear in mind this is not about being shallow, but rather I am being observant and I used to work for a matchmaker so I am a bit fascinated by dating dynamics. Anyway, Holger remarked that they probably were not on an Internet date, because Kim was eating too much. He got the friend or brother/sister vibe. Kim was very animated and talkative and Tim would politely add his two-cents. I was still of the opinion that this meeting had been set up courtesy of Match.com--I mean, Kim may have put up an old picture. But then Judgment Day came: the check was brought over and Kim paid. So I'm thinking friends.

Saturday was tough. I did not leave the apartment till 8 pm when I met Sitar and Payal out for dinner, this time on the UES for Mexican food. Again, not free, but then Sitar bought me a drink at a nearby bar, though I'm not sure if it was before or after midnight. Eek!

Today I left my apartment to go to a flea market at Immaculate Conception Church. I bought a reading light for a dollar and a Support Our Troops magnet. However, I also got a Hot Wheels lunchbox for free! So new free food, but I figure this is a better investment.


All right, off to bed!

Liz!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Your girl Liz is LAZY from eating so much turkey, dessert, and sausage bread. It was all free so we have lots to talk about but it will have to wait till tomorrow!

Love,
Liz!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Turkey: Not just for Thanksgiving!


Tomorrow is Thanksgiving which is so so exciting because I will be going to my sister's fiance's family's house in Dirty Jerz to eat a BANQUET of free food. CANNOT WAIT to talk about it. I spent Easter with them and they like good food, even though they are not Italian. Woohoo! I give thanks prematurely to them!

Till then, I am ever so thankful to 2 wonderful people in my life: Johnny K and my sister Katie.

Johnny K is my colleague and dear friend at work who supplies my daily fix of candy. He also happens to have a fabulous sister Kerry who loves Real Housewives of Atlanta as much as I do (Can we talk--WHO watched the reunion??? Kim, what did you order at Chili's while waiting to find out if you had cancer? A bloomin' onion, perhaps? Guacamole? Only if it wasn't made with a mortar and pestle!). Today, John went above and beyond even that.

Remember how yesterday I pigged out on a hot dog with sauerkraut, a hamburger, and a Snack Wrap? And Johnny K offered me a delicious sandwich, which I had to TURN DOWN because I was too full??? Oh, those were dark days for a free food foodie such as myself.

Well, today was a half day at work, and Johnny K was about to leave for the day when he came up to me. "Remember that turkey sandwich with mozzarella and honey mustard from yesterday?"

"Um, yeah, John."

"Well, I still have half of it and I am going to throw it away. Want it?"

"Um, yeah, John."

I ate it and it was amazing.

Then tonight my sis Katie ventured to my pad in Queens. She made me watch Law & Oder about the crane, because the crane crashed into her real life apartment in Manhattan. BUT she bought me sushi for dinner, so it was all good.

Turkey and sushi! The pilgrims never had it so good!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Cheesecake: Not Just for the Golden Girls

This is going to be a quick one because I've got to go to Weight Watchers in a minute then I'm meeting someone for drinks (and he's cute, hehe).

Today I was just really ravenous. I had to run an errand for my boss, and on my way back I got a hot dog with sauerkraut and mustard at Chelsea Papaya that I ate on the go. I was still hungry when I passed a McDonalds, so I ordered a hamburger and a grilled chicken Snack Wrap. No fries for me!

Wait, wait, you're saying. Back up Liz. Did you STEAL this food? Is that why you're writing about it?

Hell no, I'm no thief. I bought it, but I am only telling you about it because it explains why I passed up a free sandwich!

See, I got back to the office and my boy Johnny K had a half a turkey and mozzarella sandwich that he couldn't finish. He offered it to me. I pouted and replied that I was too full.

Luckily, I was not full when my girl Sharon e-mailed me to say there was cheesecake and would I like a slice? I ran over like the wind. Yum, it was good.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Happy birthday brother Androo!


Yesterday was my brother Androo's 26th birthday. He lives in Nashville, he's 6'7, and he has a full beard so he looks like a hobo, but a really preppy hobo as he works at J. Crew (the pictures here are from our trip to San Francisco in June, when he knew what a razor was). Droo used to live in New York, and we were bff's, and now he is just the worst communicator ever. Droo--I left you two messages and you have yet to call me back! Such a man! At any rate, happy birthday. Too bad you don't live here anymore, because then someone might have bought you a cake, and I could have eaten a piece of it and written about it. Oh well!

Mondays are always tough, but this Monday is the beginning of a short week because of Thanksgiving, woohoo! And let me give a little early thanks. Thanks to Johnny K for always having candy in the Batman head. Thank you for corporate bigwigs for having meetings with good food. Thank you Mom for sending me a Thanksgiving card, but what was up with no check inside? Not to be rude, but I expect more from you. Just saying.

And finally, thank you to my boss for bringing in Munchkins today! I ate 2 chocolate ones and 2 glazed ones, and even accounted for their Weight Watchers points (about 6, according to dottisweightlosszone.com).

And thank YOU all for reading. Besos!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

On Watching Trashtastic VH1 on Sundays


Sundays are wonderful for doing things like catching up on all your shows that you have DVR'ed during the week, especially if you had too much to drink the night before and don't want to leave your couch! Guess who this describes? Me!

See, last night I went all the way to Williamsburg for my dear friends Paul and Jordan's joint birthday party. They were freshmen my senior at Duke and they are two of the funniest people I know. Anyway, for those who have never been, Williamsburg is a place where men have the skinniest chicken legs anywhere and they wear skinny jeans to complement these legs. They also grow moustaches ironically. It is a very hip, trendy place. Needless to say, I never go there.

So I get to the party, which is an apartment, and Paul's all, Lizzzzzz! You look great! Look at you! You would never know you eat free food every day!

For this, Paul, I love you.

I know no one at this party and the music's loud so I grab a drink (red wine)! And another! And another (this time a beer)! And I think a few more anothers, all red wine, which can be so problematic the way it makes your teeth red. Ugh. I also danced with a stranger which was fun!

Now, this is another example where I'm manipulating my own rules. I got to the party before midnight and left after midnight so thus had free booze yesterday and today.

I've felt a lot worse and today was an actual productive day. I watched The Pick-up Artist, Rock of Love Charm School, and Amazing Race. I am so ashamed to admit that I find Dallas really hot. He's more Guido than the kids on Growing Up Gotti, and I think he uses more gel than the continent of Europe, but he's got that hot beefcake, hasn't used his brain in a while look that I do adore. Plus he's running the race with his single mom. He's only 22 but maybe he's into cougar, hehehe.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Saturday Night Live in Liz's Life!

I've just opened up a bottle of 2 buck Chuck (which I paid for) and I'm pre-gaming for a party at my friend Paul's place in Brooklyn. This must be a record . . . two weekends in a row I'm leaving me dear borough of Queens to party on a Saturday night!Woohoo!

I haven't eaten anything free yet, but I have high hopes for this party.

Friday, November 21, 2008

On Candy and Hookers


Young people should be out on Friday nights. They should be carousing, drinking, and perhaps getting themselves into situations where they can blame it on beer goggles.

What is this young person doing tonight? Your girl Lizbeth went to the gym, stopped at Trader Joe's to buy 5 bottles of cheap wine, and got home just in time to catch the Ashley Alexandra Dupre interview on 20/20. Woohoo!

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka "Kristen," is the escort (as she likes to call herself) who brought down Steamroller "Lov Guv Jr"* Elliot Spitzer. Diane Sawyer interviewed her, and I'm sorry, Diane comes across as the biggest baddest ice cold bitch ever. Let me explain--Ms. Sawyer isn't mean per se, but she just has a such a sense of detachment, no sense of empathy whatsoever. I just don't get it. Give me Barbara WaWa or Oprah anyday. Hell, Tyra would have been great interviewing Dupre!

The whole thing is, this could have been possibly the best interview EVER, even better than when Connie Chung interviewed Gary Condit in 2001. Connie was all, yo, did you sleep with Chandra, and Condit's all, I've been married 34 years and have not been a perfect man. I remember watching that interview in 2001 at my aunt and uncle's house in Boca Raton and switching to a special episode of O'Reilly Factor immediately after to deconstruct the interview. Ah, those were simpler times.

Fast forward seven years and now it's all about terrorism, war, and cheating governors in the Tri-state area. During Diane's interview, the one thing that almost made my blood boil is when Diane is all, you went by Kristen, but your real name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. I almost gagged. Any self-respecting New York Post reader such as myself knows that her REAL name is Ashley Youmans, then she took her step-dad's last name so she became Ashley DiPietro. Dupre is her lame ass stage name--she's trying to become a singer.

But anyway . . . this is a blog about free food and look how distracted I am getting!

Wasn't a great day in the pursuit. I ate 2 packs of Smarties, a Nestle Crunch, and Whoppers. I also had McDonald's for dinner, but I paid for that.

All right, I'm off to bed! Hopefully tomorrow I will live more as a young person should!

*Lov Guv Senior is disgraced former Governor of New Jersey, "I am a gay American" James McGreevey. He stepped down in 2004 after doing a lot of sketchy things involving men at rest stops and hiring people he was probably banging.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Thursday: a Great Day for Bagels!

Hey all,

I'm not gonna lie. I am a huge New York Post fan and I read it every day. I get all snippy on people who call it trash and say they only read the Times. Ugh, so snobby. You know they only really buy it for the crossword puzzle.

Anyway, how can you NOT love a paper with such headlines as "Ho No!" (Elliot Spitzer), "Warm up the Virgins" (Zarqawi) and of course the classic "Headless Body in Topless Bar." Whenever a scandal happens, I am so excited to buy the Post to see what they say.

That's why I'm disappoinyed in my OWN choice of headlines. I am not as quick and witty as I would like to be. Oh well!

But anyway . . . after so much champagne yesterday I needed a good hearty breakfast, so I was thrilled when I walked into work and there were leftover bagels! Woohoo!

This is short because I've got to go to bed. TTYL!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I was not tardy to the party!


If there is one thing I love, it's a party. If there's another thing I love, it's The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Most of them are neither real nor housewives nor even from Atlanta proper, but rather delusional divorcees from surrounding suburbs. This includes everyone's favorite mistress, Kim, who says she is MY AGE (29)though she looks about 48 on a good day. That's what a pack of ciggies and a bottle of wine a day over a 15 year period will do to you! I love Kim because she makes me feel better about myself . . . while I may have no Sugar Daddy named Big Poppa, just a real dad who buys me sweaters from the Gap at Christmas, I don't have to get Botox and I know how to spell cat, along with many other words as I was the 1993 spelling bee champion of North Andover Middle School, not to brag. On the show, Kim is trying to be a country singer, and she is terrible, but she once sang a song called "Tardy to the Party" and it is the greatest song ever written, and I love it's message: Don't be tardy to the party! It might as well be my theme song, because one know that parties always have free food.

Today was super cool because we had a party at work to celebrate our successful year. They used to hold these meetings at lunch time and feed us pizza or Boston Market, but this year they held the meeting at 2. I wasn't sure if they were going to feed us, but then I saw tables set up so I begged one of the big shot's assistants to tell me what they were supplying. "I don't know Liz!" Whatever, she knew and just wouldn't tell me.

I walked to the kitchen area to get a cup of coffee, and my oh my was I not pleasantly surprised to see two caterers setting up trays with cupcakes! Woohoo! They were mostly mini-cupcakes, of which usually I am not a huge supporter, but the benefit of those is that you can try many different flavors. There was also one box of those delicious green cupcakes like the one I ate yesterday. I filed away in my head to make sure to grab one of the big kahunas when they put them out.

I returned to my desk and then a company-wide e-mail was sent out for everyone to assemble where we would talk about the year. The meeting was very rah rah, but let's be honest here--I wanted those goddamn cupcakes! The meeting concluded and then we were allowed to eat!

And . . . . drink champagne!

Two caterers walked through the mass of people with flutes of champagne. One caterer was a very cute boy. This is relevant to the rest of the story so tuck that fact away, readers. I drank two flutes and took one back to my desk in case of an emergency. I then went down to the sixth floor to converse with a colleague who missed the meeting. I bragged that I had two glasses of champagne, and he got all pissy on me, like it was my responsibility to get him drunk.

But, Liz loves a challenge and does believe that everyone should eat and drink for free as long as I don't have to foot the bill! So I ran back upstairs and, oh wow, the hot caterer was still there!

"Hey, hot caterer, will you help me bring some champagne downstairs?"

"Why of course, beautiful young woman!"

So hot boy loaded up a tray with champagne flutes (yes, I feel ridic writing out the words "champagne flutes" but I can't think of any other words right now) and we brought them downstairs and made stops at all the offices of the people who missed the meeting. They might have been tardy to the party--heck they MISSED the party--but it doesn't mean we can't throw our own!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Don't be tardy to the party!


Oh my God kids. Can we talk??? WHO just watched Real Housewives of Atlanta? Kerry? How AMAZING was it??? I am disappointed that Mychael Knight did not school Sheree more, though I am excited that She by Sheree will be hitting the runway soon! I hope I can get tickets to the next fundraiser to the DeShawn Snow Foundation, and maybe I can buy some jury from Lisa's line. If I'm REALLY lucky, Kim will perform at the Highline Ballroom, and NeNe will join me to watch and we will throw tomatoes at her. Hell, maybe Big Poppa will come too! Do you think now that he's broken up with Kim, he'll be my Sugar Daddy? Please? I love that we found out they'd only been dating 7 months . . . she must be QUITE an accomplished girlfriend if he's financing her like that. Wow. I just cannot wait for the reunion. There is going to be a major smackdown between Lisa and Kim. Woohoo!

I know you're all, Liz, shouldn't this be about free food! Did you maybe pillage some peaches? Is that why you're all about Georgia? And the answer would be no, I buy my peaches, and not this time of year because they're out of season and too expensive. It's a recession baby, and that's why this past week has been one for the ages. It's like a free food famine. Yes, I did get to go to a pawn shop champagne lunch on Saturday, but this week at work has been a dearth of free food. Thank God for Johnny K and his Batman head!

Well, since it's been a quiet couple of days, I've been on a mission. One of my coworkers not in my department walked by my desk with a box that could only be filled with one thing: cupcakes. I casually said to her, hey, if you have any extra, I'll help you. She said that they were only going to people who worked on a certain initiative that the company just completed. She then walks right by me and brings the box to Ken's desk, where she leaves them and walks away. Now, Ken knows I LOVE free food, and he's hugely supportive of my quest. I ran over to his desk, and before I even got there he smiles at me and opens the box. "Look what I've got! Magnolia cupcakes. Take one Liz!"

I did and it was absolutely divine.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Monday, Monday!

Your girl Lizbeth woke up early this morning to go running. "I am going to be healthy and 30 lbs lighter by next November!" I declared. So I dragged my sorry ass out of bed after pressing snooze only 3 times instead of my usual 6. What a trooper!

Did I hope for a little free food karma? Perhaps there would be bagels left out at the office as a way to reward me for my burst of energy? Bueller? Um . . . the answer is no! I went to work and got absolutely NO free food so I took 3 packs of Smarties and a mini-Reese's peanut butter cup from Johnny K's Batman head.

HOWEVER, today the company brought in some people to give us flu shoots and test our blood pressure. Woohoo! It was cool because they brought free swag, so while I did not eat anything delicious on the company dime, I did get a water bottle, a mini-First Aid kit, and a vial of hand sanitizer that looks like a pee sample. I will post a picture of it tomorrow.

All right, off to play Snood, hehe.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Sunday Blues

After such a great Saturday at the pawn shop grand opening, God let me down in my pursuit for free food. Weekends are tough--there is no candy stash that someone else bought in my apartment, not as many dates as there should be, and no corporate lunch meetings in my kitchen. So I've got to be creative.

I didn't eat for free, but I'm going to be all technical and tell you that I actually DID drink for free today. By technical, it means that it happened after midnight, probably around 1am this morning, so I was thinking of it as more "Saturday night," but hey, I've got a blog to write!

See, last night I went to my dear friend Lori's birthday at a loud bar in Manhattan. I never leave Queens on weekends so this was a big adventure. I dressed up all librarian-like--glasses, cardigan, hair pulled back . . . and a short dress, hehe. You work with you've got people. I took an empty 20 oz Coke Zero bottle and poured cheap red wine into it so I could pre-game on the long subway ride downtown. Oh boy. Just like a freshman in college again. Or an alcoholic. So I get to the bar around 11pm and it feels like a frat party, except with fatter, shorter dudes. But I'm in Manhattan and ready to party! My sister Katie bought me a drink. Sweet! Then I ordered a beer on someone else's tab (they said I could, I'm not that cheap or devious). Then around 12:30 or 1am, the birhtday girl Lori bought me a drink, for which I was grateful but also felt all sorts of wrong, since I should have bought HER a drink! Well, next time.

One of the sort of trippy things about New York is you see famous people sometimes. Kind of like "Stars, they're just like us!" except there is no parazzi following them. Since I moved to New York two and a half years ago, I've seen Vincent D'Onofrio, Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes, Luke Perry, Simon Doonan (I went up to him and told him I loved his book. He was grateful and short!), and Carson Kressley.

So last night at the bar I saw some random good-looking dude. He looked super familiar and then I realized it was Michael Oliver, one of the New York City police officers who shot Sean Bell almost exactly 2 years ago. My friend was shocked I recognized such a random person, but I read the New York Post every day and Peyser was all over that case. Anyway, it was just . . . weird.

I'm not going to be all Cindy Adams on you and say, "Only in New York, kids, only in New York" but . . . .

well, I just need some free food.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Weekend Update, live from the Pawn Shop!




Oh my this is one of the BEST days ever in the quest for free food. It doesn't get much better than this kids. Why? you ask. Well, read on friends, read on.

I woke up fairly early this morning because my landlord had to come over and remove mold from the walls of my apartment. How beautiful! I messed around on my computer for about an hour, and I contemplated going for a run, but then it started raining so I said f that! Feeling guilty, I decided to go to the gym.

I worked up a sweat for about an hour and felt awesome, but trust me did not LOOK awesome. For my loyal readers, I have frequently mentioned that I'm not one of those cute, adorbs gym-goers. No, I sweat like a banshee, and my hair is all over the place, and I am bright red. Today was no different. By the time I was done with my workout, the sky had cleared up and it was warm and I walked home.

I was about to turn the corner to grab a coffee at Dunkin Donuts, when a skinny black man dressed up as Santa Claus handed me a flyer.

"Grand Opening" it read.

Okay cool.

"Ribbon Cutting Ceremony, Champagne Lunch, Giveaways & Prizes, Meet the Press & Staff . . . ."

Wait a minute, let's backtrack! Did the flyer say CHAMPAGNE LUNCH??? As in free food???

Oh yes it did! And you know what the BEST part is??? This was a grand opening for a PAWN SHOP!

I ran into a nearby thrift store and called my brother Andrew in Nashville. "Yo Droo, there's this free champagne lunch at a new pawn shop in the nabe. Should I go?"

Droo replied: "Of course, or you would not be my sister."

"But the thing is, Droo, it's 1:20 now and the ribbon cutting is in 10 minutes and I don't have time to change out of my gym clothes."

Droo pointed out: "It's a pawn shop. I think the dress code will be pretty relaxed."

I needed no more encouragement so I dashed over to the new store.

When I walked in, there were balloons, coupons, and cheap jewelry. There were two 6 feet long subs, a smattering of potato chips, some random Greek food (this is Astoria after all), and potato salad. Oh, and champagne!

I grabbed a plate and filled it up with sub, potato salad, and Greek stuff. A woman who clearly worked there approached me. "You know, feel free to take that home!"

Ouch. I was (nicely) being asked to leave the grand opening of a pawn shop.

I went outside and ate my food on a bench, just in time to witness the ribbon cutting ceremony, which is quite possibly the most momentous and dramatic event I have ever seen in my life.

I finished up and went home. With this economy, I'll probably be at the pawn shop soon enough!!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Tuna and high school

Today was pretty awesome because I was eating my lunch at my desk and my boss came ove rand offered me her tuna melt. Apparently, the cafe where she went made her two by accident. Knowing my addiction to free food, she knew I was the most suitable candidate out of all my coworkers!

Then after work I went to a friend from high school's photography exhibit's open house. I haven't seen Orrie in 12 years, but Facebook has reconnected us, woohoo! I stayed long enough to say hi, drink a plastic cup of Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignot, and then I left.

Now I'm going to a bar, where hopefully someone buys me a drink, hehe.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

My favorite fungi!

Is Blue cheese! So I was so very excited today when someone gave me their leftover buffalo chicken wrap from Hale & Hearty! Thanks friend!

My LEAST favorite fungi is mildew, and I seem to have quite a growth in my apartment right now! Goddamn, New York City!

That's all for now, because I've got to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Brief Wondrous Life of Liz S



Ugh, SO SORRY this entry is late! I am writing it at 12:30am, so while not technically 11.13.08, it's meant to describe the free food I ate today . . . er, yesterday!

WHY am I writing so late? Well, I just got home. And WHY am I home so late on a work night?

Hot date, Liz?

Well, depends what you mean by hot. If you mean, a one on one meeting with a member of the opposite sex, where he pays for dinner and drinks, where the night MIGHT end with a kiss or beyond, then no, I was not on a hot date.

BUT, if you mean a lively discussion with your book club about the baddest, best book of 2007 (released in paperback in 2008) called The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, written by Junot Diaz, then your ass would be right! As a bookworm/geek/potential future librarian, it is my duty to tell you to read this book. It's a totally bitchin' story about a ghetto Dominican nerd named Oscar de Leon who lives in New Jersey. I read it last year when it first came out and then had to read it again for my book club and it was even better the second time around.

So now that I'm all over my literary high horse, I'll tell you why my book club is not only good for books but also for free food, hence its inclusion in my amazing blog!

It is good for free food because the host always provides free food!

So tonight we met at Babs's house in my old nabe, Park Slope. Unfortunately Babs burnt all the appetizers, so there were only carrots and a Japanese-type cracker/dried wasabi pea/sunflower seed concoction. Also a bowl of Sweet Tarts and Milky Ways, an interest combo I believe was left over from Halloween, though I would have thought Obama pins would be a more fitting gift for the Slope trick or treaters. But, I digress. I managed to eat several of all three snacks, and was getting all antsy-pants for dinner, which did not disappoint. Babs prepared barbecue chicken, bread and butter, a delicious salad, and cookies! Yippee skippee!

After I ate everything, we talked about dating which is not so cliche if you knew the composition of my book club. Bitter single women in our 20s and 30s we are not--half the group is 60 or older, and the other half features the daughter of a married couple in the group and her friends (this is the half to which I belong, fyi). I actually was invited to join the group after I met the daughter on the subway over a year ago. Gretchen was reading "Unbearable Lightness of Being" and we started talking about how great that book was, which evolved into talking about how great many books were, which led to an invitation to join the coolest book club ever.

And now I need to go to bed!

Love,
Liz!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Dum dums make you dumb dumb . . .


... so hopefully Smarties will make you smart smart! Well, at least this was the logic I was going for today when I took candy from Johnny K's stash (which he keeps in a plastic Batman head, by the way). See, I am REALLY trying hard after the J Crew debacle to curb my taste for candy. Since I am not ready to give it up cold turkey-hell, I'm not ready to give it up even warm turkey, and definitely not hot turkey--I am trying to wean myself off the chocolate stuff and only eat the sugary snacks like Nerds, Sweet Tarts, and the aforementioned Smarties. Sure, my teeth may rot, but that's what dentures are for!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Nada!!!

I am so embarrassed but I had NO free food today, unless you count the cupcake I got from work last week and ate today! I have failed all 6 of my loyal readers!

I also just found out Greg from the Pickup Artist is a MORMON. Whaaaaa???? Hopefully he is non-practicing!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Fondue is a fon-do!

What's up kids? After my disastrous trip to J. Crew, I realized I might need a little help from God. So today I went to to church for my cousin's confirmation, and I begged Him: Please aid me in my quest for free food, but make it healthy.

Did God listen?

Well, sort of!

See, after the confirmation my aunt and uncle took us out to dinner at a really delicious fondue restaurant called Artisanal in Manhattanh. We ate cheese fondue and french fries (yuppy, fancy fries which they call "frittes" on the menu), probably not the best choice for a lifestyle change. Where are You, God???

Well, He was listening because then the waitress came to take our dinner order and I chose branzini (a type of white fish) instead of the mushroom risotto which looked delish, creamy, and fattening! Thanks God!

To reward myself, I gladly partook in the chocolate fondue for dessert, but I only ate the fruit pieces--bananas and apricots. Well, okay, I also ate a couple cookies and homemade marshmallows, but not a ton of them!

All right, back to tv, although my DVR did not record any of my shows today, so I'm stuck watching HBO On Demand. God, come back!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Get a (J) Clue: Rethinking my Free Food Addiction

Yowzas kids. My brother Androo is visiting from Nashville and we went shopping at J. Crew. Despite the fact that my brother is 6'7 and looks like a mountain man (UVM style, not Deliverance style, fyi), he has an excellent sense of style so he helped me pick out some clothes. I tried on skinny jeans and cords and wow was I a bigger size than I thought! Instead of despairing, however, I reminded myself that it is only white men who are averse to a round, full derriere, and that in the Middle Ages there would probably be lots of portraits painted of me.

So tonight when I went over to my aunt and uncle's house, I did not let"Pants-gate" discourage me from eating a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream and three Thin Mints.

I'm still adorbs!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Quickie!

My bro is in town and we're about to go to a bar, but today there were no lunch meetings so all I ate for free were a few Hershey bars and packs of Smarties courtesy of Johnny K's Batman head. Woohoo!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

On Greg and Muffins

Last night before I went to bed I started watching the Pick-Up Artist on VH1, which is tied with Real Housewives of Atlanta as being my favorite show on television at the moment. The premise of the show is that this pick-up master named Mystery (who looks like he's going to a Renaissance Fair but hey, some people find that hot) gives dorks makeovers and works on developing their self-confidence so they can ultimately attract women. I am a feminist, so yes, this show is totally horrifying on many levels, but overall it is AWESOME and I love the geeks on it and I want them all to succeed.

Except for one guy, who I only want to succeed with me, if you know what I mean. His name is Greg and he is HOT. He used to have long hair and glasses and then they gave him contacts and a haircut so now he is F-I-N-E fine. I tried to post his pictures but blogger is not letting me do it, boo.

I only watched a scene or two on the DVR before I went to bed. And then the next morning I woke up all hot and bothered because I had kind of a sexy dream, inspired by Greg! And when I say "kind of a sexy dream," it means 1) I am Catholic so I am an angel! 2) my Dad reads this blog (or so he says) and 3) it only involved kissing (for real).

In addition to being kind of sexy, it was really disturbing, because it involved a high school classmate who I have not thought about since high school and who was just flat out strange. Granted, I was on the math team in high school so who I am to judge. But in my dream he was grown up and really hot, and tall, and possessed beautiful full lips, and he kissed me in a really sensuous and Casanova-Don Juan way, while remaining pretty manly.

So this morning I was all confused: Why was I dreaming about weird high school boy? Why did I not even get laid in my dreams??? I may be Catholic but I still have needs, God Damnit! So I was super thrilled wen I got to work because there was a pumpkin chocolate chip muffin waiting for me on my desk! My colleague Stace had made them using a low-fat recip, no less, so I was ecstatic. Then later on one of our freelancers came by with a HUGE box of leftover cupcakes from a shoot. I took 3, but ended up giving one away because I'm good like that. I brought one home for dessert and then left one at work for a mid-afternoon (hell, let's be honest here, probably a mid-morning) snack tomorrow.

And don't fret, I returned the gym today before coming home and finishing Pick-Up Artist, where there was some pretty hot Greg action, woohoo!

I wonder what I will dream tonight!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Pizza rules!

Due to the craaaaazy election, I am really behind on all my shows. Tonight I managed to catch up with two of them: Real Housewives of Atlanta (which Anderson Cooper watches, by the way) and Rock of Love Charm School. Tomorrow night will be Amazing Race, The Pick-Up Artist, and maybe 90210.It is so tough having such a busy schedule. Between my shows, work, and the gym (my sister is getting married in a year and I have to look amazing, just in case I'm still single and there is a hot catering boy there who needs a book-lovin', pop-culture whorin', glasses-wearin' dynamo to show him the way at the wedding), I have barely have time to cook.

So it's awesome when my company takes this into consideration and feeds me.

Today I forgot I had a lunch meeting for some emergency response training team I'm on at the office. We had our annual training, and because the folks who assemble this team have an appreciation for food, they ordered in a fabulous lunch.

We had to bring our own drinks, and they said there were would be pizza. Which there was.

BUT, they also ordered buffalo wings and salad. Genius! I ate a slice of pepperoni and a slice of cheese, 3 wings, and some celery dipped in blue cheese. I was going to take a second plate for the salad, but then I said to myself, Who are you fooling? Do you think the salad will wipe out all the calories? Hell no. So why bother. I think they ordered it just to make me feel guilty.

I went to the gym after work, did the eliptical for 40 minutes, felt awesome, then came home and vegged. Ah, a great day!

Smooches!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I vote for free food!


Yo, what a confusing day it was.

First, I woke up and voted. Yippee!

Then I went to work. I was excited because I had two meetings, including one at 1 pm, so I thought for sure I'd be fed on the company dime!

When I got to my 1 o'clock meeting, however, there was NOTHING. Luckily, I had dashed two avenue blocks to McDonald's already just in case. So, I ate a triple cheeseburger and fries for lunch, though not free.

I was agitated but not despondent. After all, there was still enough time left in the day to find a bagel or pasta salad or something similar. And then at about 3:30 or 4, I really scored: there were some adorbs mini-cupcakes and decorated Halloween cookies from Eleni's leftover from another meeting. Woohoo!

Now I'm off to drink to celebrate the election of the next President of the USA!

Love,
Liz

Monday, November 3, 2008

I elect free food for President!


After a very shady weekend of free food, where my friend had to treat me so I could get my quota in (how moochy sounding of me, I am so embarrassed) I am pleased to announce that today was a pretty fabulous day for free food, albeit junky snack food! First I ate a lot of leftover Halloween candy from Johnny K's stash. This does not bode well with my Weight Watchers and Marathon goals, but whatevs. Then I walked over to pick up some copies from the printer, and low and behold there was a spread of gourmet yuppy snack foods, I guess from someone's gift basket. I ate some fancy chips, asparagus dip, and chocolate covered-toffee almonds. Yum! I also grabbed the lone dark chocolate candy bar, because I knew no one else would have the cojones to take it but yours truly!

Go vote tomorrow!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Marathon Eating!

Hey all! It's your bestest pal Liz bringing you the news in my quest to eat across New York City and beyond without paying a dime! No, I'm not a freegan and no I'm not a total mooch/cheapskate/thief, but I love free stuff!

This weekend was actually very challenging in the hunt. Today was the New York City Marathon, and I watched from 76th St and 1st Ave to support my good friend Lori. She ran like the wind, and I am really, really proud of her. Go Lori!

I felt all inspired to run the marathon next year for about 3 minutes after Lori passed us, and then I got all hungry. My friends and I ventured to a friend's pad on the Upper East Side. Susan and Janice stopped at the grocery store to pick up snacks and beer, woohoo!

We got to the apartment, and I ate lots of chips and homemade pizza. Surprisingly, I only drank soda.

Janice asked everyone to contribute $10. I only had a $20, and she couldn't make change, so my friend Adam told me he'd cover my part and I could buy him a beer next time. Adam rules! This meant that this meal would count towards my free food stash. Otherwise I probably would have had to steal something on the way home, hehe (and just kidding, I don't steal, in case any future potential employees are googling me).

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Post-Halloween Blues

Oh my, weekends are tough! All I've got for you is a "fun-size" pack of Whoppers which I grabbed from the party I attended last night but did not eat till today. Hopefully I will have better luck tomorrow!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Trick or Treat!


I am dressed up as a cavewoman, a costume I have owned since 1997. I look adorable and hot without looking slutty, not to brag.

But, if I continue to eat all the York Peppermint Patties and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and M and Ms like I did today, I will not fit into ANY of my clothes!

All right, I'm off to party.

Smooches.

Liz

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Real Free Food Eater of New York City


Here is the thing. I am completely obsessed with the show The Real Housewives of Atlanta to the point that I am dreaming about peach cobbler and pecan pie and David Justice (he played for the Braves, right?). I want to be bff's with NeNe, rip off Kim's wig (she is supposed to be the same age as me, eek for her considering she looks like a washed up 45!), and punch smug Sheree in the face. I would even consider buying jew-ry from Kim's new line, but only after attending a session at the DeShawn Snow Foundation in order to raise my self esteem.

I'm telling you--you NEED to watch this show! Their insane materialism makes my shallow quest for free food look like the most inspiring, honest, righteous oddysey in the world.

Case in point--today my department threw a surprise wedding shower for a colleague who is getting married next week. She is a total doll. But, I love her even more because this occasion meant delicious free food from Balducci's! Yippee skippee! I ate 2 salami sandwiches, some pesto pasta salad, and a brownie and a cookie. Now I'm leaving to go to a party with an outside vendor, and I know there is at least free booze. Yeah!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

TGI Wednesday!

Hello friends!

Well well well. I am so thrilled to share with you my most excellent day in the land of free food. I woke up this morning late. Scattered, I rushed to work with a very minimalistic lunch packed: a can of Diet Coke, a container of yogurt that I probably wouldn't eat, and a can of black bean soup. Woop de do.

But then I got to work and there was a very pleasant surprise: pizza! See, the company decided to get in on this whole "Feed Liz Free Food" bandwagon and they planned a networking lunch meeting where we can learn about other departments in the corporation. Now, I know that this wasn't designed just for me, but it felt that way as they provided pies and soda. I ate two slices and it was delish.

Then I met an old friend for dinner after work in Midtown. We originally planned to meet at Faces and Names, but it was packed so we ventured south a few blocks and arrived at the mecca of good taste: TGI Fridays. Woohoo!

We ordered wings, a steak and cheese sandwich, fries, and a bacon cheeseburger. The bill came and my friend handed the waitress his credit card. "It's on me," he said.

I said "yeah!"

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Muffins do not make me immune to a broken heart

All right, folks, I'm being dramatic, but I was supposed to be on a dating boot camp show where I would learn skills and meet cute boys, and then the producers e-mail me at 5:45 today to say no thanks we don't want you!

Which, whatevs, kind of sucks, but especially blows because all I got was a free blueberry muffin today! WTF???

Now I am off to do a comedy show. Will talk more about this disgrace tomorrow.

Monday, October 27, 2008

When did meetings get HEALTHY???


As you know one of my favorite pastimes is raiding leftovers from corporate bigwig meetings. You never know when you will find a really rich penne alla vodka, or chicken ceasar salad, or a scrumptious brownie! I always feel like Robin Hood when I stumble on these spreads, but instead of stealing from the rich to give to the poor I'm stealing to feed myself! Oh sweet Jesus!

So today you can imagine how excited I was because there was this long 4 or 5 hour meeting with all the big shots in the largest conference room in my office. My mind swam with visions of gigantic chocolate chip cookies, portabello mushroom sandwiches, and gourmet potato chips. And this was just my recession-era imagination! So finally at 6pm the meeting broke and they put the food out in the kitchen. I rushed over to claim my booty.

And what is there but fruit. FRUIT! Are you kidding me? I've waited all day for THIS?!?!

Nevertheless, I ran back to my desk and grabbed two Tupperware containers I keep for just such an occasion. I mean, I DO go to Weight Watchers for a reason people, hehe.

Then I also grabbed a Reese's Caramel Peanut Butter Cup to cleanse the palate on my way out. And I also saw 4 REALLY hot firemen in the building lobby, but I wasn't wearing anything cute today. I didn't look like a lesbian gym teacher this time, but it's been a while since I've done my laundry. Bahhhhh!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Reading children's lit and eating cupcakes: What the cool kids are doing


In case you didn't know, I am a nerd. Granted, it's not as obvious as when I was a high school mathlete and 8th-grade spelling bee champion, but my inner geekiness shines through quite frequently when I talk about the 52 books I read every year (one a week kiddos. Jealous, no?).

This year I am on pace to read about 65, no joke, because 1) I am a geek (see above) 2) I have a long subway commute and 3) I read a lot of children's lit. Not all the time, peeps, but I am in a children's lit book club and today we met to discuss the Looking Glass Wars, which is this weird sci-fi, fantasy-tinged retelling of Alice in Wonderland. It is okay, but reread Harriet the Spy if you want to read the best children's book evs.

And just like my food, I like my books free too so I am a frequent visitor to the NYPL.

But I digress. My book club meetings are always fun because, you guessed it, there is free food. We met at Steph's pad in Brooklyn, which was not as nightmarish to get to as I thought it would be from Queens. I brought chocolate chip cookies which I had made the night before. I added candy corn to them which was experimental and a failure. But, they were still edible.

Luckily, the spread was pretty eclectic and expanisve. There was hummus and chips, sticky pork buns dim sum thingies, little Ritz Bitz cheese crackers, and my beloved cupcakes! I ate a little bit of everything, hehe, no big surprise there!

Now I need to go to bed before I eat something else non-free!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Let's do brunch!

One of the great things about having friends and family who make more money than you is that they always offer to pay! Not that I am a mooch, but my sister Katie and her friend Lori called me up this morning to ask if I wanted to go to brunch on the Upper East Side. Now, I live in Queens, so anyone knows this is like asking someone who lives in Boston to drive to Portland, Maine for a meal. I whined but finally relented when they said it would be their treat!

So we went to Green Something Kitchen and I ordered coffee and Eggs Guacamole. Then afterwards Lori suggested we get fro yo, and I figured why not? So I got peanut chocolate and mint chocolate chip with jimmies on top (jimmies are sprinkles to all you non-New Englanders out there), all courtesy of Katie and Lori. It was delish and free! Now I am getting ready to go to a party, where I am sure there will be some complimentary snacks. Gym be damned!

Friday, October 24, 2008

It's Friday night and I am watching cable and writing about free food!


Today was a "meh" day in the hunt for free food. Last night I had bought Johnny K some Butterfingers and Nestle chocolate bars (the ones in the red wrappers, not Crunches) for his candy stash, so I had to make sure I didn't eat those today because they wouldn't count towards my free food quota. So instead I ate a Reese's Caramel Peanut Butter cup, which is good in theory but melts and is very messy so a bit annoying to eat at work because it gets your keyboard all sticky. My co-worker Jim also gave me a piece of dark chocolate which was cool. Thanks Jim!

I went to the gym again today, woohoo! If I'm going to eat all this free food, I might as well do something to keep the junk in the trunk at bay. I love my gym because I can look like a lesbian gym teacher and it's okay, because I go to the gym in Chelsea and none of the cute boys are checking me out, you know what I mean? Not that there is anything wrong with looking like a lesbian gym teacher or even being one, but as a heterosexual girl approaching 30 in 9 and a half months, I want to emit sexy-come-hither vibes to potential mates, not I-will-beat-you-in-touch-football vibes. Just saying.

After the gym, I went home on the subway. I stopped at Key Foods to pick up some chocolate chips because I have to bake cookies for my children's lit book club that meets on Sunday. At this point, I still looked like a lesbian gym teacher, which would have been fine but there were some totally hot young firefighters in the market, and they didn't want to put out this fire, if you know what I mean. Note to self--always look hot when going into Key Foods.