Monday, November 22, 2010

Another Day, Another Potentital Internet Date

Hi all!

You know what I love the most about New York City, besides the low cost of living?

I love the people on the subway!

Let me explain.

This morning I made my usual transfer. It is always crowded and a bit loud but I usually deal with it because it's only 2 stops. But there was a dude playing VENGA Boys from his radio without headphones. As in, the entire train had to suffer through such lyrics as:

Boom boom boom boom
I want you in my room
Let's spend the night together
From now until forever

Now, I'm not afraid of anyone but as I said I usually let these things go because it is not worth fighting in the morning. But then the train got stuck between two stops and I could not take it anymore.

So I asked the guy to turn off his music.

Well, this is when you know chivalry is alive and well! The man--let's call him Guy LaDouche, or just Douche for short--proceeded to tell me that I should just mind my f---ing business and go back to reading my paper. No one else was complaining about his music, he noted.

Well, I replied, glad to see you have manners. Nice to see you are so respectful. Bring your headphones next time!

I hear crickets in the rest of the subway car. No one had my back.

Now, I was not scared at all, but I was pissed. And a ferocious Liz is as dangerous as, well, I'd like to think Inigo Montoya but as much as I love my father I probably wouldn't kill a 6 finger man to avenge his death.

Then Douche became a gentleman:"You know, it doesn't matter what you say, because you're going to be working for me soon on 42nd Street selling that ass."

I was speechless, and also strangely flattered. He thought that I could make a living as a prostitute? Hey, I'll take it!

One man stood up for me at that point but I had enough and like Count Tyrone Rogen I fled the scene and switched subway cars.

You know what's more fun than the subway? Dating!

Wow, this brave new world of Internet Dating is a bit demoralizing but also kind of awesome because I get free drinks and food! I abstained for a long time but I realized I ain't getting any younger, I work in an office where straight men are as rare as unicorns, and I eat Lean Cuisines 3 times a week. I don't have a cat and I'm ADORABLE but I do fear becoming one of those New York City Single Woman cliches where I have girls nights watching My So Called Life and I order cosmopolitans or worse yet a skinny girl margarita and I hate all my pregnant/new mother friends. I can't let this happen. So I swallowed my pride and joined a dating website. Woohoo!

When I last spoke with you, my faithful weekly readers, I mentioned a date with Angelo. We drank wine and ate sliders and pigs in a blanket. The following night I went out with Joe, a tall 35 year old Asian man. He had suggested we get "wine and crepes" at some bar in the Village. Now, I love wine as much as the next person but I think it's so funny when these dudes are all, "Let's get wine!" like it makes them appear more cultured. I like beer! Anyway, I met Joe at the bar and I ordered a glass of pinot noir. When the server came by a half hour later, I was all, Joe, let's get a bottle! But he's all, no, just get you own glass. He didn't say this in a mean way. So I ordered another glass and I'm thinking to myself, where are these crepes he promised? And the waitress comes over AGAIN and Joe's all, we're all set! And I'm thinking, no, this girl wants a crepe with Nutella! But I also wanted to pee so I let it go. Hey, 2 glasses of wine ain't bad.

The best/most shocking part??? Both dudes want to see me again! Which is fine till I actually tell them my last name and then they google me and see that I wrote about the food and drinks they bought me. Eek!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Narcissists R Us!

I am so happy I live in this time and era. It allows me to be self absorbed, shallow, and entitled! I have the most interesting things to say! Let me tell you what I ate on Facebook! Do you know I run marathons? Don't I look like I'm having so much fun with all my fabulous friends in this picture?

Sure, our grandparents lived during the Greatest Generation, but we live during the "Can You Believe that person wore THAT outfit on the subway? No, don't believe me? Well, let me post their picture on Facebook so we can mock them!" generation.

This is why our grandpas fought in Guadalcanal!

Now, I am absolutely not calling the kettle black, especially I like pots. I mean . . . I write a blog about my trivial pursuit of free food.

For a yellow piece of the pie can you tell me who invented Cobb Salad?

I know that everyone, especially my 4 readers, want to know about my life, especially since I have not written in almost a month. The horror, the horror!

But I have to tell you about a traumatic experience that I endured in my quest for free food.

I went on my first ever Internet date.

People who know me have the privilege of hearing me whine. I haaaaaate being single! I want a boooooyfriend, but I also really want to stay home and catch up on my DVR! I need to see what is happening on the A-List and Real Housewives of Atlanta!

Unfortunately, I recently learned that discussing Hoarders is no way to attract a good mate, so I decided to, gasp, join a dating site, let's call it

A 35 year old, 6'1 European man (which could mean 5'3 and a leprechaun, you never know) e-mailed me saying he wanted to go running with me. I'm all, hells no, I want a drink! Well, he must have read my mind because he started instant messaging me and we made plans to meet at a bar in the Village. I agonized all day and passed his name and number to several colleagues in case I did not return to work the next day. What can I say, I watch too much 48 Hours Mystery.

So I met Angelo (not his real name nor nationality!) at a bar in the Village. He was 6'1 and European, to my knowledge, unless he was faking his accent. I ordered a glass of pinot noir which made me feel very adult and mature. Thank you Sideways! We talked about awkward Internet dating things . . . our families, jobs, what we want out of life. He ordered sliders and mini hot dogs, although I'm sure they were called something fancy like Frankfurters en a baguette. I didn't look at the menu. Surprisingly, I did not drink my wine too fast and I only ordered one more glass, and he got a club soda. I don't judge. We finished up, he paid, and he walked me to the subway. We did the two kiss on the cheek thing--he's European, in case you didn't know--and made tentative plans to meet again. Why not? I want a whole dinner the next time.

So I survived and my pride is somewhat still intact. And to all my married friends who are so jealous that I get to do this, divorce your husbands and try it for yourself!