Monday, November 22, 2010

Another Day, Another Potentital Internet Date

Hi all!

You know what I love the most about New York City, besides the low cost of living?

I love the people on the subway!

Let me explain.

This morning I made my usual transfer. It is always crowded and a bit loud but I usually deal with it because it's only 2 stops. But there was a dude playing VENGA Boys from his radio without headphones. As in, the entire train had to suffer through such lyrics as:

Boom boom boom boom
I want you in my room
Let's spend the night together
From now until forever

Now, I'm not afraid of anyone but as I said I usually let these things go because it is not worth fighting in the morning. But then the train got stuck between two stops and I could not take it anymore.

So I asked the guy to turn off his music.

Well, this is when you know chivalry is alive and well! The man--let's call him Guy LaDouche, or just Douche for short--proceeded to tell me that I should just mind my f---ing business and go back to reading my paper. No one else was complaining about his music, he noted.

Well, I replied, glad to see you have manners. Nice to see you are so respectful. Bring your headphones next time!

I hear crickets in the rest of the subway car. No one had my back.

Now, I was not scared at all, but I was pissed. And a ferocious Liz is as dangerous as, well, I'd like to think Inigo Montoya but as much as I love my father I probably wouldn't kill a 6 finger man to avenge his death.

Then Douche became a gentleman:"You know, it doesn't matter what you say, because you're going to be working for me soon on 42nd Street selling that ass."

I was speechless, and also strangely flattered. He thought that I could make a living as a prostitute? Hey, I'll take it!

One man stood up for me at that point but I had enough and like Count Tyrone Rogen I fled the scene and switched subway cars.

You know what's more fun than the subway? Dating!

Wow, this brave new world of Internet Dating is a bit demoralizing but also kind of awesome because I get free drinks and food! I abstained for a long time but I realized I ain't getting any younger, I work in an office where straight men are as rare as unicorns, and I eat Lean Cuisines 3 times a week. I don't have a cat and I'm ADORABLE but I do fear becoming one of those New York City Single Woman cliches where I have girls nights watching My So Called Life and I order cosmopolitans or worse yet a skinny girl margarita and I hate all my pregnant/new mother friends. I can't let this happen. So I swallowed my pride and joined a dating website. Woohoo!

When I last spoke with you, my faithful weekly readers, I mentioned a date with Angelo. We drank wine and ate sliders and pigs in a blanket. The following night I went out with Joe, a tall 35 year old Asian man. He had suggested we get "wine and crepes" at some bar in the Village. Now, I love wine as much as the next person but I think it's so funny when these dudes are all, "Let's get wine!" like it makes them appear more cultured. I like beer! Anyway, I met Joe at the bar and I ordered a glass of pinot noir. When the server came by a half hour later, I was all, Joe, let's get a bottle! But he's all, no, just get you own glass. He didn't say this in a mean way. So I ordered another glass and I'm thinking to myself, where are these crepes he promised? And the waitress comes over AGAIN and Joe's all, we're all set! And I'm thinking, no, this girl wants a crepe with Nutella! But I also wanted to pee so I let it go. Hey, 2 glasses of wine ain't bad.

The best/most shocking part??? Both dudes want to see me again! Which is fine till I actually tell them my last name and then they google me and see that I wrote about the food and drinks they bought me. Eek!

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