Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Today there were bagels and pastries leftover at work. And I didn't eat them!

I ate 2 mini-Reese's peanut butter cups. And then I went to Weight Watchers where I lost 4.6 lbs this week!

I guess my sacrifice paid off.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I can't even think up a witty heading because I am so tired.

I did eat a nice free mini Reese's today. Yippee!

The rest of the food I ate was not free and pretty healthy. Boooooring!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Run girl run!!!

I am running a marathon in 4 weeks and I have given up booze till then. Which blows in many ways but I'm also making wiser choices in what I eat, woohoo!

Today, for example, I went jogging with my sister's running group in Hoboken. Afterwards, we went to a brunch at the captain's apartment. There were bagels, prosciutto, champagne, and COOKIES! All free and all tasty.

So, I ate half a bagel with a smidgen of cream cheese, fresh mozzarella, a tomato, all capped off with prosciutto. I felt like a Jewish Italian. If only there had been lox!

I abstained from the champagne and only ate half a cookie. I drank about 5 cups of coffee.

Yeah for smart choices!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Truth is stranger than fiction


Well this is gonna knock your socks off, or howevs the expression goes . . . .

In my quest for eating healthy, I ate one measly Nestle Crunch and free SALAD! And I filled up an extra Tupperware with it. WTF???


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I barely even laid a finger on my Butterfinger!

Day 2 of eating like a bore, and it means that I only ate one piece of free candy today . . . a Butterfinger!

This is no way to live. I better at least get a boyfriend out of this.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Let the (no) fun begin!

Hello my kingdom!

I am going to Turks and Caicos in 6 weeks, which means I must abstain from cupcakes if I want to seduce a Caribbean cabana boy named Rito. I look amazing as is, but I think I knock off a few pounds Weight Watchers-style, I'll have the CONFIDENCE to be the seducer.

Would you like me to seduce you? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

So to this end, my sister Katie, our friend Lori and I are all doing eating boot camp. Which means no frivolous candy. No cupcakes. No buffalo wings.

No fun.

To get in my last hurrah, I ate a free mozzarella stick at Flight 151 with my pals, before ordering a grilled chicken salad as an entree. Trust me, I was as shocked as you are.

This whole "eating healthy" thing will make the free food quest difficult. I have to REALLY want a piece of candy from Johnny K's Batman head before I take one.

Ugh, wish me luck!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Want to Eat S'more of that?

Today I met my sister Katie and our frind Lori in Hoboken to watch the Patriots. Unfortunately they lost, which was lame. But then we went back to Katie's apartment and she made us S'mores, so it was cool because they were tasty and free!

And Curb Your Enthusiasm began again tonight. Life is good people!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

False Alarm

In my dreams, a firetruck filled with hot firemen of FDNY descends upon my apartment. They pound on my door. I open it up, wearing a flirty yet demure short silk nightgown. "Yes?" I greet them, all flushed and excited.

"Miss, we are just making doing a routine investigation of ----- " (I don't know technical fireman terms so they could be checking anything. "Mind if we come in?"

"Not at all! In fact, I think there is a gas leak in my bedroom! Would you take a look?"

"With pleasure," the youngest and sexiest fireman responds. "Hey Sully and Fitzy, why don't you go back to the truck? I think I got this covered."

Then me and the youngest and sexiest fireman, nicknamed "Smitty" by his cohorts, carries me to my bedroom.

"No gas leak here," Smitty declares. "But you are smokin'."

We make passionate love for hours and hours, and then we get married.

Yes, this is my fantasy of what would happen if the FDNY came to my apartment. The reality, however, was much different when they came to my apartment tonight at 9pm.

That's right, kids. Liz got her wish of having a visit from the FDNY. However, it was not what I had hoped.

In my grand tradition of making a short story very long, let's start at the beginning, which would be last night/this morning. I had gone to the bar the Frying Pan for my dear friend Megan's birthday party. The Frying Pan is literally a boat on the Hudson River, docked at Pier 66. I was really excited for this party because 1) I adore Megan 2) her mon was going to be there and 3) I had given up booze post-Labor Day up until my marathon on October 25. However, I granted myself a dispensation so I could drink on Megan's b-day, since she is moving to Costa Rica to be with her fiance soon!

Well, drink I did. Corona after Corona after Corona. We danced, and drank. I don't think I had a sip of water or a bite of food. Oh, and someone bought me a few beers so it counts as free!

At about 1:30--I think--might have been later, might have been earlier--Meghan K and her friend Sandy and I decided to go another bar somewhere in Union Square. That's always a great idea, to go for round 2 at 2am!

We closed down the bar at 4am, and we all hopped in cab. I went to sleep at 4:30, which was the time I woke up last week because I had to run 23 miles!

So, needless to say today I was hurting. I left my apartment once to get Chinese takeout. I watched multiple episodes of Hoarders. Then I heard my spare carbon monoxide alarm go off for about 7 seconds. It stopped and I didn't think anything of it.

I took a walk because I was feeling all guilty that it was a beautiful day and I was wasting it being all hungover. When I returned to my apartment, I decided to call ConEd about my carbon monoxide scare.

"Do you smell gas?" they asked me.

"We-ell," I began. "Here's the thing--I don't have a sense of smell, so I can't tell."

"What do you mean, you don't have a sense of smell???"

"Put it this way," I explained. "If you fart in front of me, I won't notice."

He giggled. "Do you feel faint or woozy?"

"Well, yes, but that's because I'm hungover."

The ConEd rep paused. "You know, this isn't a matter for ConEd . . . you need to call the fire department. I am going to transfer you to 911."

Oh sh--. As you read before, I absolutely want the FDNY to come to my apartment. But NOT at 9pm on a Saturday night, when I am hungover, lethargic, and dressed in a t-shirt that says "Crowd pleaser." Not when my underwear is all over my couch drying and remnants of my Chinese food are in the sink. I was supposed to be wearing a negligee people!

I threw everything I could in the closet, and the rest under my bed. Then I heard sirens.

Oh no. Oh f---ing no.

Not one but TWO firetrucks pulled up in front of my apartment. I went outside.

"What's the problem here?" Mr. Fireman asked from his truck. He was older than I had hoped.

"Um . . . my carbon monoxide detector went off for 10 seconds and I don't have a sense of smell so I got nervous."

"Carbon monoxide doesn't have a smell, but okay, let's do it."

I led two firemen to my apartment. None are named Sully, Fitzy, or my beloved Smitty. Neither are particularly young or hot. The hunky ones stayed in the truck, which I suppose is a blessing.

The first fireman said to me, "Where's the alarm?"

I handed it to him.

He glanced at a monitor he held in his hand. "Carbon monoxide levels are safe." He studied the alarm. "You need a new battery. That's what caused it to go off."

I wanted to shrink. Rarely am I at a loss for words, and this was one of those times. "That's all?" I squeaked

"Yup, you're safe."

I escorted the two firemen to my door. I couldn't even look them in the eye, let alone inquire them to investigate the gas leak in my bedroom.

"Sorry for wasting your time. I support the FDNY. Thank you for what you do for the city."

Mr. Fireman laughed and waved goodbye.

So there you have it. I finally got several hot firemen to come to my apartment. Be careful what you wish for! You might be too hungover to appreciate it!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Where are the cupcakes???

I really wish this economy would pick up. I need free cupcakes in the office! It's been a very dry week for free food. There have been no leftover sandwiches, salads, brownies, fruit, whatevs. Thank God for my savior Johnny K. I ate a couple Reese's peanut butter cups from his stash today!

Going to bed now!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Sorry that I am tardy for the party!


Sorry I have been sort of MIA lately. I am sure all 18 of my readers are devastated! Just been busy with work and comedy and catching up on my reality shows. Check out Hoarders. You'll want to empty out your closet afterwards! And maybe your fridge too, and you can give me all the food!

Today Johnny K restocked his Batman head with Reese's peanut cups and M&Ms. I ate 2 of each, because that's how a Weight Watcher does it!

Now, I am going to bed.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye "Please Go" West!

Again, I am so ashamed that so much of my literary talent is being usurped by Kanye West. Just watched him on Jay Leno. Awkward! Methinks he just doesn't care about white people.

Free food has been tough to find. I ate a couple Werther's from Johnny K's Batman head. That's it. So sorry to disappoint!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Single ladies, put a fork in it, and eat it!!!

Everyone is in an uproar because Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for some video award because apparently, and I paraphrase, "Beyonce made one of the best videos of all time!" Which makes me laugh in of itself since videos have only been around, oh, 28 years or so. Sledgehammer for the win people!

And that's when I realized while young in many people's eyes, I'm just too goddamn old for MTV! I felt like my grandmother--I didn't recognize anyone in the audience or onstage, except for Pink! And then I thought, am I really supposed to feel bad for Taylor? Because isn't she 19 or 20 or something and already a multimillionaire? Boo f---ing hoo.

Thank God someone of us live in Matureland and watched the season finale of True Blood, which is all about vampires and shapeshifters and hot Australian guys playing Southern manly men.

All this scandal almost made me forget about the most excellent free food I ate today! I went over my friend Andrea's house and she made us sushi! And we also ate 2 bite brownies, which are really like half a bite for me.

Now, I am being commanded by my maker to go to bed.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Return of Mousey!

Yo kids, I'm tired because I just got home from book club and last night there was a mouse in my apartment and it kept me up starting at 3am. I had to pee but I was so scared to leave my room. I felt like I should be on an episode of Obsessed! I was letting the mouse control my life!

But at least I ate lots of free food! I stole a cupcake from the 7th floor and Kate fed us a delicious meal at book club. Plus I was home in Mass from Thursday to Tuesday and Mama and Papa Simons kept me well fed! More about that tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

It's September!

Which freaks me out, so I ate two free Reese's peanut butter cups . . . and not the mini ones!

Now I need to go to bed!