I know it's been FOREVER and you've really, really missed me. My life has been in disarray. I've had many parties to attend and Weight Watchers unveiled a brand new plan so it has been a tumultuous time! But let's review, shall we?
Today: I did a bit of foraging. My coworker Andrea brought in cupcakes. I ate one.
Yesterday, Sunday: I woke up at noon. I watched 5 hours of tv. I discovered that I had no hot water. I knocked on my neighbor's door. She didn't have hot water either, but she DID have homemade brownies (from a mix). I ate one.
Saturday: My sister's roommate Molly took me out to dinner, along with my sister Katie and a couple of Molly's friends. We went to the Tribeca Grill. No Robert sightings, but I did get a sighting--and taste--of really good free food. I ate a jumbo crabcake, braised short ribs, mashed potatoes, spinach, creme brulee, a pear cake, and chocolate cake. Yeah, I was hungry. Judge me. I also drank red wine, champagne, and coffee. Being free made it taste better, for sure.
Friday: This was a night to end nights. First, my dentist had a holiday open house. I was DYING to go because what the heck will a dentist serve at an open house??? Either sugar free mints or conversely salt water taffy that gets stuck in your teeth so you need more cleanings! I decided to stop by for a half hour before I went to my friend Paul's comedy show at UCB. I figured no one would be there, I'd get a snack and a cocktail, and I'd be on my merry way.
Well, how WRONG I was. The dentist open house was packed. And as my dentist is in Chelsea there was a large population of foreign, tall, gay men.
And cocktails and food!
I went to pour myself champagne, and this woman grabbed the bottle from me. "I'll get that for you."
Okay cool! Pour away!
The office was cramped and it was hard to move around, but I did manage to snap a couple pictures of the food selection. Call me Captain Courageous.
As you know I have started online dating so I could score some free food. I also want to be held and maybe fall in love, but it's mainly all about the food. So I was excited to go on a date with 31 year old Chef Boyardee from suredevil.com. Chef Boyardee was adorable and funny, and one of his favorite books was Devil in the White City by Erik Larson, which is also one of my favorite books, even though it is about young women who get murdered in a big city! Chef and I had planned to get together for drinks before Thanksgiving, but those plans fell through so we decided to meet for coffee in Union Square on Saturday afternoon. "Just let me know when and where!" I e-mailed on Wednesday.
Well, Saturday came along and I had not heard from Chef yet. I wasn't sweating it because I had eaten so much free food and drank so much free booze during the week that at this point the coffee would have been extra credit. So I texted him at 11:30 and then shortly after left for my sports conditioning class at the gym. I brought a change of clothes so I could shower and hop on the subway afterwards.
I checked my phone at 1:30 after the class finished. Still no text from Chef Boyardee. F it, I thought. I'll just stay for Zumba!
As I rhumba'ed and cha-cha'ed as only a white girl can (meaning, not gracefully) I pondered what I would order at the not yet determined coffeeshop. Maybe I'll spring for one of those expensive peppermint lattes and a chocolate biscotti. Maybe I'll nibble on a blueberry scone. I salivated.
After zumba . . . still no text. Chef Boyardee was virtually standing me up! I was really counting on a free coffee!
But I am an independent woman, just like Beyonce, so I bought my own coffee at Dunkin Donuts along with those super amazing pancake-covered sausages. Yeah, they are to die for. And then I thought, Liz, you deserve a cupcake! So I bought a strawberry one at a nearby bakery.
I got home, showered, and decided it was over between Chef Boyardee and me. I ate a quick dinner and then went to a party at my friend's apartment where I proceeded to drink free beer and eat delicious potato latkes. L'chaim!
Especially hanging out with my family, drinking beers with high school friends (at least a couple which they bought!), meeting a guy with a funny last name, eating free turkey, and more!
Will write more soon. And I guarantee you it will be brilliant.
You know what I love the most about New York City, besides the low cost of living?
I love the people on the subway!
Let me explain.
This morning I made my usual transfer. It is always crowded and a bit loud but I usually deal with it because it's only 2 stops. But there was a dude playing VENGA Boys from his radio without headphones. As in, the entire train had to suffer through such lyrics as:
Boom boom boom boom I want you in my room Let's spend the night together From now until forever
Now, I'm not afraid of anyone but as I said I usually let these things go because it is not worth fighting in the morning. But then the train got stuck between two stops and I could not take it anymore.
So I asked the guy to turn off his music.
Well, this is when you know chivalry is alive and well! The man--let's call him Guy LaDouche, or just Douche for short--proceeded to tell me that I should just mind my f---ing business and go back to reading my paper. No one else was complaining about his music, he noted.
Well, I replied, glad to see you have manners. Nice to see you are so respectful. Bring your headphones next time!
I hear crickets in the rest of the subway car. No one had my back.
Now, I was not scared at all, but I was pissed. And a ferocious Liz is as dangerous as, well, I'd like to think Inigo Montoya but as much as I love my father I probably wouldn't kill a 6 finger man to avenge his death.
Then Douche became a gentleman:"You know, it doesn't matter what you say, because you're going to be working for me soon on 42nd Street selling that ass."
I was speechless, and also strangely flattered. He thought that I could make a living as a prostitute? Hey, I'll take it!
One man stood up for me at that point but I had enough and like Count Tyrone Rogen I fled the scene and switched subway cars.
You know what's more fun than the subway? Dating!
Wow, this brave new world of Internet Dating is a bit demoralizing but also kind of awesome because I get free drinks and food! I abstained for a long time but I realized I ain't getting any younger, I work in an office where straight men are as rare as unicorns, and I eat Lean Cuisines 3 times a week. I don't have a cat and I'm ADORABLE but I do fear becoming one of those New York City Single Woman cliches where I have girls nights watching My So Called Life and I order cosmopolitans or worse yet a skinny girl margarita and I hate all my pregnant/new mother friends. I can't let this happen. So I swallowed my pride and joined a dating website. Woohoo!
When I last spoke with you, my faithful weekly readers, I mentioned a date with Angelo. We drank wine and ate sliders and pigs in a blanket. The following night I went out with Joe, a tall 35 year old Asian man. He had suggested we get "wine and crepes" at some bar in the Village. Now, I love wine as much as the next person but I think it's so funny when these dudes are all, "Let's get wine!" like it makes them appear more cultured. I like beer! Anyway, I met Joe at the bar and I ordered a glass of pinot noir. When the server came by a half hour later, I was all, Joe, let's get a bottle! But he's all, no, just get you own glass. He didn't say this in a mean way. So I ordered another glass and I'm thinking to myself, where are these crepes he promised? And the waitress comes over AGAIN and Joe's all, we're all set! And I'm thinking, no, this girl wants a crepe with Nutella! But I also wanted to pee so I let it go. Hey, 2 glasses of wine ain't bad.
The best/most shocking part??? Both dudes want to see me again! Which is fine till I actually tell them my last name and then they google me and see that I wrote about the food and drinks they bought me. Eek!
I am so happy I live in this time and era. It allows me to be self absorbed, shallow, and entitled! I have the most interesting things to say! Let me tell you what I ate on Facebook! Do you know I run marathons? Don't I look like I'm having so much fun with all my fabulous friends in this picture?
Sure, our grandparents lived during the Greatest Generation, but we live during the "Can You Believe that person wore THAT outfit on the subway? No, don't believe me? Well, let me post their picture on Facebook so we can mock them!" generation.
This is why our grandpas fought in Guadalcanal!
Now, I am absolutely not calling the kettle black, especially I like pots. I mean . . . I write a blog about my trivial pursuit of free food.
For a yellow piece of the pie can you tell me who invented Cobb Salad?
I know that everyone, especially my 4 readers, want to know about my life, especially since I have not written in almost a month. The horror, the horror!
But I have to tell you about a traumatic experience that I endured in my quest for free food.
I went on my first ever Internet date.
People who know me have the privilege of hearing me whine. I haaaaaate being single! I want a boooooyfriend, but I also really want to stay home and catch up on my DVR! I need to see what is happening on the A-List and Real Housewives of Atlanta!
Unfortunately, I recently learned that discussing Hoarders is no way to attract a good mate, so I decided to, gasp, join a dating site, let's call it suredevil.com.
A 35 year old, 6'1 European man (which could mean 5'3 and a leprechaun, you never know) e-mailed me saying he wanted to go running with me. I'm all, hells no, I want a drink! Well, he must have read my mind because he started instant messaging me and we made plans to meet at a bar in the Village. I agonized all day and passed his name and number to several colleagues in case I did not return to work the next day. What can I say, I watch too much 48 Hours Mystery.
So I met Angelo (not his real name nor nationality!) at a bar in the Village. He was 6'1 and European, to my knowledge, unless he was faking his accent. I ordered a glass of pinot noir which made me feel very adult and mature. Thank you Sideways! We talked about awkward Internet dating things . . . our families, jobs, what we want out of life. He ordered sliders and mini hot dogs, although I'm sure they were called something fancy like Frankfurters en a baguette. I didn't look at the menu. Surprisingly, I did not drink my wine too fast and I only ordered one more glass, and he got a club soda. I don't judge. We finished up, he paid, and he walked me to the subway. We did the two kiss on the cheek thing--he's European, in case you didn't know--and made tentative plans to meet again. Why not? I want a whole dinner the next time.
So I survived and my pride is somewhat still intact. And to all my married friends who are so jealous that I get to do this, divorce your husbands and try it for yourself!
Cupcakes are probably my favorite food. That and pizza. I just wish they were bigger! Today I ate 2 free Baked by Melissa cupcakes which are the size of a quarter, but they cost a dollar! Only in New York kids. I could seriously eat a dozen in 5 minutes (which I have done). Thank God somebody else usually pays for them.
I'm trying to be a dedicated Weight Watcher so I ate one pumpkin one and one mint one. So so good even if they are overpriced!
Liz Simons is a New York City-based comedian who has performed all over the city at top clubs including Carolines, Gotham, and Broadway Comedy Club. She has been a featured performer in the show Mortified in New York and Boston. She is adorable, single, and likes to eat. She started this blog because she was known as the girl at her office who was always the first person to know about the leftover food from meetings. And how she loved that free food! She took that passion and now writes about her daily selection of free food.
