Get on all fours, please!

Today was a real twist on my whole quest for free food. Sure, I grabbed a couple mini-Snickers and mint 3 Musketeers from Johnny K's Batman head, but I also got a free training session at the gym! Yippee!

I met with the trainer at 7pm. The fitness director who set up the appointment had told me I would be meeting with Dan, whom he described as a big "brown-skinned" man. Dan turned out to be black, but I guess the fitness director did not want to appear racist? Whatevs.

I told Dan I wanted to work on my "problem areas" aka my thighs, flexibility, and assorted other body parts. We did a bunch of squats and lunges and other moves.

Then we stretched on the stretching table, which looks like a massage table, except way more comfortable and out in the open! Couple this with the fact that Dan is the only straight man at my gym (I work out in Chelsea, people, so this is not so far-fetched), and that I've been single for a long time, well, you can imagine how it felt when Dan barked "Get on all fours!" so we could stretch my shoulders.

After working out the trapezoidals or whatever technical name the body part was, Dan commanded I lay on my back while he stretched my legs to the ceiling. "You're very flexible," he remarked, which was a surprise to me as I used to get negative scores on the Seat and Reach in Mrs. Parent's 4th grade gym class.

Dan mentioned he had graduated from college just last year, and I told him I was approaching the big 3-0, and he exclaimed, "I would never guess that!" And I got all giddy, and then I realized that I only looked younger because I was wearing a Marshmallow Peeps t-shirt. Or, conversely, maybe he thought I was closer to 40.

I mentioned to Dan that the one P.E. class I took in college was Massage Therapy. "Really?" he asked as I lay prostrate on the table. He steam-rolled my back and legs with one of those white foam tube things. "Did you prefer men or women partners?"

"MEN!" I replied.

When the hour concluded, Dan asked if I wanted to set up more appointments. As you can imagine, a girl whose main goal is to score as much free food as possible probably cannot afford the $80 an hour for a personal trainer. But I lied, and told Dan to call me to maybe set something up in the near future just so I could give him my phone number! I'm a quick thinker!