Muffins do not make me immune to a broken heart

All right, folks, I'm being dramatic, but I was supposed to be on a dating boot camp show where I would learn skills and meet cute boys, and then the producers e-mail me at 5:45 today to say no thanks we don't want you!

Which, whatevs, kind of sucks, but especially blows because all I got was a free blueberry muffin today! WTF???

Now I am off to do a comedy show. Will talk more about this disgrace tomorrow.

When did meetings get HEALTHY???

As you know one of my favorite pastimes is raiding leftovers from corporate bigwig meetings. You never know when you will find a really rich penne alla vodka, or chicken ceasar salad, or a scrumptious brownie! I always feel like Robin Hood when I stumble on these spreads, but instead of stealing from the rich to give to the poor I'm stealing to feed myself! Oh sweet Jesus!

So today you can imagine how excited I was because there was this long 4 or 5 hour meeting with all the big shots in the largest conference room in my office. My mind swam with visions of gigantic chocolate chip cookies, portabello mushroom sandwiches, and gourmet potato chips. And this was just my recession-era imagination! So finally at 6pm the meeting broke and they put the food out in the kitchen. I rushed over to claim my booty.

And what is there but fruit. FRUIT! Are you kidding me? I've waited all day for THIS?!?!

Nevertheless, I ran back to my desk and grabbed two Tupperware containers I keep for just such an occasion. I mean, I DO go to Weight Watchers for a reason people, hehe.

Then I also grabbed a Reese's Caramel Peanut Butter Cup to cleanse the palate on my way out. And I also saw 4 REALLY hot firemen in the building lobby, but I wasn't wearing anything cute today. I didn't look like a lesbian gym teacher this time, but it's been a while since I've done my laundry. Bahhhhh!

Reading children's lit and eating cupcakes: What the cool kids are doing

In case you didn't know, I am a nerd. Granted, it's not as obvious as when I was a high school mathlete and 8th-grade spelling bee champion, but my inner geekiness shines through quite frequently when I talk about the 52 books I read every year (one a week kiddos. Jealous, no?).

This year I am on pace to read about 65, no joke, because 1) I am a geek (see above) 2) I have a long subway commute and 3) I read a lot of children's lit. Not all the time, peeps, but I am in a children's lit book club and today we met to discuss the Looking Glass Wars, which is this weird sci-fi, fantasy-tinged retelling of Alice in Wonderland. It is okay, but reread Harriet the Spy if you want to read the best children's book evs.

And just like my food, I like my books free too so I am a frequent visitor to the NYPL.

But I digress. My book club meetings are always fun because, you guessed it, there is free food. We met at Steph's pad in Brooklyn, which was not as nightmarish to get to as I thought it would be from Queens. I brought chocolate chip cookies which I had made the night before. I added candy corn to them which was experimental and a failure. But, they were still edible.

Luckily, the spread was pretty eclectic and expanisve. There was hummus and chips, sticky pork buns dim sum thingies, little Ritz Bitz cheese crackers, and my beloved cupcakes! I ate a little bit of everything, hehe, no big surprise there!

Now I need to go to bed before I eat something else non-free!

Let's do brunch!

One of the great things about having friends and family who make more money than you is that they always offer to pay! Not that I am a mooch, but my sister Katie and her friend Lori called me up this morning to ask if I wanted to go to brunch on the Upper East Side. Now, I live in Queens, so anyone knows this is like asking someone who lives in Boston to drive to Portland, Maine for a meal. I whined but finally relented when they said it would be their treat!

So we went to Green Something Kitchen and I ordered coffee and Eggs Guacamole. Then afterwards Lori suggested we get fro yo, and I figured why not? So I got peanut chocolate and mint chocolate chip with jimmies on top (jimmies are sprinkles to all you non-New Englanders out there), all courtesy of Katie and Lori. It was delish and free! Now I am getting ready to go to a party, where I am sure there will be some complimentary snacks. Gym be damned!

It's Friday night and I am watching cable and writing about free food!

Today was a "meh" day in the hunt for free food. Last night I had bought Johnny K some Butterfingers and Nestle chocolate bars (the ones in the red wrappers, not Crunches) for his candy stash, so I had to make sure I didn't eat those today because they wouldn't count towards my free food quota. So instead I ate a Reese's Caramel Peanut Butter cup, which is good in theory but melts and is very messy so a bit annoying to eat at work because it gets your keyboard all sticky. My co-worker Jim also gave me a piece of dark chocolate which was cool. Thanks Jim!

I went to the gym again today, woohoo! If I'm going to eat all this free food, I might as well do something to keep the junk in the trunk at bay. I love my gym because I can look like a lesbian gym teacher and it's okay, because I go to the gym in Chelsea and none of the cute boys are checking me out, you know what I mean? Not that there is anything wrong with looking like a lesbian gym teacher or even being one, but as a heterosexual girl approaching 30 in 9 and a half months, I want to emit sexy-come-hither vibes to potential mates, not I-will-beat-you-in-touch-football vibes. Just saying.

After the gym, I went home on the subway. I stopped at Key Foods to pick up some chocolate chips because I have to bake cookies for my children's lit book club that meets on Sunday. At this point, I still looked like a lesbian gym teacher, which would have been fine but there were some totally hot young firefighters in the market, and they didn't want to put out this fire, if you know what I mean. Note to self--always look hot when going into Key Foods.

Boston Market: Home Away From Home

This week I completed the novel Mergers & Acquisitions. Mergers & Acquisitions is very funny and very good. It blends the biting satire of Tom Wolfe with the hilarious lunacy of Christopher Moore, two of my all-time favorite writers.


Mergers & Acquisitions was written by Dana Vachon, who graduated a year behind me at Duke and received a two-book, $650,000 advance from his publisher. I write a free blog about free food. Eek! And hearing all this about classmates WAY more successful than I just wants me want to work that much harder for my free grub! Maybe someone will discover me!

So, while I'm waiting, I am going to hunt!

Today I ate an early lunch because I skipped breakfast. I brought in Weight Watchers Cabbage soup and white cannelloni bean chili. Not free because I made both of them. After I ate, I went to the bathroom and I passed Conference Room 8B and there was a PARTY going on. I assumed it was all the higher ups, because they are usually the ones who have catered lunch meetings, but no, it was normal people like me! Apparently one of my colleagues got a new job and her department was throwing her a going away party. And there was Boston Market food! I thought to myself--yes you just ate your Weight Watchers soup and Cooking Light Chili, but what you REALLY want is mac and cheese and mashed potatoes and creamed corn and a chocolate cookie and half a big brownie! So I crashed the party and ate all these food items.

But don't worry, I went to the gym after work.

Sandwiches! Hot cross buns! Delish!

I got to go in a minute, but today was a good day. Ate some candy in addition to a tasty hot cross bun my dear friend Shelly gave me. The maintenance guy also told me about a stash of leftover sandwiches, so I ate a tuna and tomato/brie concoction. Not bad!